Hear M. Christian in the privacy of your home

Author M. Christian is interviewed often, but it's a rare treat to be able to listen to him instead of read an interview with him. Chip August, host of the Sex, Love and Intimacy podcast, chatted with M. Christian a few weeks ago and podcast is now live. Check it out!

Learn how to write erotica

Come one, come all* to the definitive class in erotica writing, taught by a master of the genre

Sex Sells: How to Write & Sell Erotica
With M.Christian

Sunday, October 12th, 1pm - 4pm
$40 before Sept 30
$50 after Sept 30
Downtown San Francisco (location revealed after registering)
Register Via PayPal: Zobop@aol.com

The market for erotic fiction and nonfiction is booming! There actually is a secret to writing great erotica - and you'll discover just what that is in this fun, hands-on workshop with well-known erotica writer and teacher M. Christian.

For the beginning writer, erotica can be the ideal place to begin writing, getting published, and -- best of all -- earning money. And for the experienced writer, erotica can be an excellent way to beef up your resume and hone your writing skills. M. Christian will review the varieties of personal and literary expression possible in this exciting and expanding field. He'll also teach you techniques for creating love and sex scenes that sizzle.

Learn how to:

* Get started writing for and selling to this growing marketplace
* Free your creativity and get past inhibitions
* Avoid cliches, common mistakes, and pitfalls
* Write what editors and publishers will want to buy

Plus: current pay rates, how to write for a wide variety of erotic genres, from magazines to websites, where and how to submit your erotic writing, and more.

Students will also receive:

* Several informative handouts including a list of top-notch markets and venues for erotica, as well as funny and educational articles and columns
* A personal invitation to contribute to a special erotica project
* 50% off a wide selections of erotica books
* A free autographed copy of M.Christian's collection Filthy: Outrageous Gay Erotica=

The class is open to everyone (over the age of 21) interested in writing all kinds of erotica: gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, fetish ... you name it!

M.Christian is an acknowledged master of erotica with more than 300 stories in such anthologies as Best American Erotica, Best Gay Erotica, Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Fetish Erotica, and many, many other anthologies, magazines, and Web sites. He is the editor of 20 anthologies including the Best S/M Erotica series, The Burning Pen, Guilty Pleasures, and many others. He is the author of the collections Dirty Words, Speaking Parts, The Bachelor Machine, and Filthy; and the novels Running Dry, The Very Bloody Marys, Me2, Brushes, and Painted Doll. His site is www.mchristian.com.

For more information write M.Christian at zobop@aol.com.

*no guarantees

Interview with Donna George Storey

If you haven't yet read Donna George Storey's An Amorous Woman, I fail to see why you are denying yourself the pleasure. Get the book. It's a marvelous read!

Donna George Storey's career as a writer could be officially considered "launched" when E. L. Doctorow, one of her writing teachers at Princeton, praised her work. When her wanderlust took her to Japan after college, it was only a matter of time before culture and talent collided in the delightful of ways. Donna fell in love with Japan, and went to graduate school to study Japanese. After graduation, she taught the language at Stanford as well as Berkeley.

Her experiences in Japan and with Japanese culture inspired Donna to write her first erotica novel, An Amorous Woman. The richness of detail that runs throughout the book could only have been crafted by someone with first-hand knowledge of the subject matter, so I asked Donna a few questions about her wonderful book. She was gracious enough to answer them.

The West has always viewed Japan (probably all of the East, actually) as a place of exotic mystery. Do you think Westerners do that because they simply don't understand or know about Japanese culture, or are there truly some difference in the way the Japanese view and approach the erotic?

Donna George Storey: The unknown Other always has a certain erotic appeal, be it the other sex, another sexual orientation, or a different culture. While we get all tingly at the thought of submissive geisha girls or clubs with mock-ups of train cars for would-be subway perverts, Japanese popular culture projects a similarly heightened sexual allure and perversity onto the West. (One of my older Japanese friends once told me with a straight face that Americans introduced homosexuality to Japan during the Occupation.) On the other hand, I do think expressions of eros take on a distinctive flavor in every culture, just as national cuisines develop unique ways to stimulate the palate.

My experience is by no means exhaustive, but I will hazard a few observations based on my research, some hands-on, some academic. Behind the politeness and propriety, the Japanese seem more relaxed and less guilt-ridden about sex than Americans, who know that God is always watching, even in the bedroom. In Japanese culture, sex is a natural human urge to be enjoyed in its proper setting, but context is key. That’s why love hotels -- special rent-by-the-hour places where you can get away from obligations of the home and workplace -- are a national institution. Apparently married couples use them as well, to find private space away from the kids. Of course, forbidden sex is as ripe for fantasy as it is in our culture. In porn comics I've regularly come across stories about seducing your boss' wife, sex on the dirty floor of the office restroom, and of course oversexed uniformed schoolgirls -- all busting one or more cultural taboos.

Another historical difference that shapes erotic expression in Japan is the government's longstanding support of a licensed pleasure quarters as a way for males to release their energy sexually rather than, say, through political rebellion. This is a bit different from our government's approach, which seems to consist chiefly of discouraging anything other than missionary position between married heterosexual partners for the purpose of procreation. In Japan, entertainment districts still flourish as an outlet for stress today, in spite of new restrictive laws chiefly intended to convince the West of a more "civilized" (read: underground) approach to sex-for-sale. Again the Japanese seem more accepting of the importance of fantasy and variety. We've all heard about the bars with mirrors on the floors and bottomless waitresses, soaplands where customers received a very special kind of washing, or brothels that where the prostitutes pose as schoolgirls, nurses or office lady commuters who actually welcome a quick grope on the subway during rush hour. The hottest fad comes and goes, but there’s always a playful variation to take its place. Against a backdrop of rock-solid tradition, the Japanese consumer economy thrives on the appeal of novelty, in sex as anything else. By the way, I'm not advocating prostitution, I'm just observing some cultural differences.

You'd think I could write a book about this and, in fact, I have. Amorous Woman explores love hotels, fantasy play, extramarital sex and the various offerings of the entertainment district, both high and low, among other things.

I know you have a strong background in Japanese culture and language, but for the sake of letting readers know, please sum that experience up for them here. What drew you to Japan and what keeps you fascinated by it?

DGS: I've always been interested in traveling to foreign countries, but the Japan focus started when a boy I had a crush on in high school was reading James Clavell's Shogun. I didn't have the nerve to speak to him, but I thought reading the same book would be a secret way to get closer to him. The crush faded, but my fascination with Japan lingered. After college, I decided to go to Japan to teach, which seemed one of the more interesting ways to use a degree in English.

In a way, it was just "something to do," but once I actually settled in Kyoto and got to know the city and made friends, the attraction turned to red-hot burning love! I found my thoughtful, observant personality was more valued there than in the U.S. where outgoing types rule. I felt an immediate connection to the culture: the attention to the seasons, the fabulous food, which miraculously doesn't seem to make you fat, the preference for suggestion over the obvious. And yes, the mutual appeal of sexual Otherness, which made for many memorable adventures.

After about two years in Kyoto, I decided I wanted to teach less English and focus more on mastering written Japanese, so I applied to graduate school in the United States. This gave me the chance to get warm and cozy with Japanese literature -- I even read a few pages of The Tale of Genji in the original, the ultimate in scholarly dedication. After my first son was born, I left academia and started writing fiction -- and having a lot more fun in my work -- but Japan still captures my imagination. It's the setting for countless literary and erotic stories as well as my first novel. I was just back for another visit to Tokyo and Kyoto this past April, twenty-four years after my first trip. I still love the place.

What inspired your book? Real events? A fantasy?

DGS: Both! I also have to confess an important literary antecedent for Amorous Woman. The truth is I 'borrowed ' -- not to say stole -- my plot from a 17th-century Japanese erotic classic by Ihara Saikaku called The Life of an Amorous Woman. In that famous novel, a lusty, wise-cracking woman travels around Japan taking on almost every role available to a female of her time: dancing girl, concubine, "wife" of a priest, calligraphy teacher, prostitute. I thought it would be interesting to translate this picaresque adventure into a modern form by writing about an American woman with an equally irrepressible sexual curiosity.

There is no question that a significant portion of the book is autobiographical. All of the settings are places I know firsthand, the delicious meals are all lifted from my journal entries. I actually had a "marriage meeting" -- really a blind date -- with a cute salaryman who had one sensitive nipple. I dined with sexy dentists in a fiendishly expensive, three-hundred-year-old restaurant overlooking the Kamo River and sneaked into the men's bath at a hot spring with my lover after midnight.

But much of the book involves a very conscious use of fantasy as well. I explore Westerners' fantasies about Japan, Japan's fantasies about the West, fantasies borrowed from Japanese manga porn and books on shibari, or artistic rope bondage. I learned a lot about my own fantasies in writing the novel. Writing erotica is an excellent way to explore the shadowy corners of your psyche -- and cheaper than therapy, too!

What are the primary misconceptions that Americans have about Japanese culture?

DGS: Again I could go on and on, but I'll stick to some basic ones. The biggest one in my opinion is that Japanese women are all submissive and down-trodden. Let's start with the geisha, the national symbol of service to male fantasies. In fact, geisha have always been artists first, more like career women than sexual slaves. They offer their clients sophisticated conversation and a private performance of music or dance. No sex is involved, although thoughtful and sometimes flirtatious attention is expected.

How about the meek housewife? That was the biggest surprise for me -- how much pride my Japanese friends took in their work as mothers and home managers. They didn't feel oppressed at all. Then I got to thinking that maybe it was the American view that devalued everything female—homemaking, nursing, teaching, even a job like therapist that was once dominated by men lost status as more women entered the profession. Not that Japan isn't a male-dominated society, but especially today, "down-trodden" women seem to have more choices and more fun than men.

Maybe the biggest misconception -- and the Japanese are equally prone to this one -- is that the culture is inscrutable and ultimately unknowable to Westerners. One of the themes of Amorous Woman is my heroine, Lydia's, hunger to find a sexual and spiritual connection with the people and the culture. Although her journey does not proceed exactly according to plan, she ultimately does become more intimate with Japan's desires and demons than she ever dreamed. And, surprise, surprise, much of it is very familiar territory after all.

Thank you so much, Donna! Discover more about Donna and her prolific writing career at her Web site.

Attention erotica writers!

My partner in all things, M. Christian, has an opportunity for those of you who write. This is his announcement:

Here's a special invitation to unpublished – or just beginning – erotica writers looking for a bit of free exposure.

Frequently Felt is my playful little blog -- "A lobcock of erotic trivialities, oddities, and miscellanea transcribed with jaundiced talent for naught but a boxing Jesuit indulgence by a disreputable posse mobilitatis" – where I've been posting this, that, and everything betwixt and between having to do with sex and erotica. What I'd like to do is open Frequently Felt to very short stories, on a first-come-first-posted basis. Here are the specifics:

* Stories or literary pieces no longer than 500 words.
* No underage characters, excessive violence, incest, homophobia, or bestiality
* Please include some form of contact information at the end (email, Web site, etc.) to be published with your piece
* I reserve the right to refuse to publish anything – it's my blog, after all

Submit your work to mchristianzobop at gmail.com. I do my best to post things every other day or so but things sometimes happen to disrupt that schedule...

I'm also interested in interviews, reviews, editorial pieces, artwork, blog posts and other fun things. If you want to help out with that, just write me and we'll chat about it.

(The illustration is by Daryl Walker.)

A cold weather joke

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up".

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid..."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, " Yes...?! Why do you ask?"

The daughter replied "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"

Guys -- do you have a fuck buddy?

Writer Jennifer Matlack is working on a new article for Penthouse and needs to hear from men who have or (have had) a sex buddy, not a traditional girlfriend or a lover in the true sense of the word, but a female friend you who have no-strings-attached sex with. This is a casual sexual relationship that you both consent to. You know and like each other but you don't love each other and you're not exclusive.

If you have or have had a relationship like this in the past, know of someone who has one now, or if you're a woman who has had experience with this type of arrangement, shoot her an email at jmatlack121 at comcast.net

She will use pseudonyms for the piece.

How to smite your enemies

It's rather simple, really -- just give them the flu.

On January 14, I got slammed with this heinous, unforgiving virus. It's only really today that I finally feel pretty normal and able to dip my toe back into this whirlpool called life. I just wanted to tell you in case you were wondering what the heck had happened to me.

My voice is still not normal, however, and that's why I haven't done any podcasts. I sound like a cross between Brenda Vaccaro, Lauren Bacall, and Minnie Mouse. Not exactly the kind of voice you want to hear talking about sex, you know?

So, with any luck, I'll be getting back into the swing of things next week.

For now, all I can say is: get a flu shot. Unless you don't mind giving up three weeks of your life, looking and feeling like crap, and snarling at your significant other.

Here's to you, Larry Craig!

Anybody who listens to my podcasts knows that I find politicians' sexual foibles endlessly entertaining. Senator Larry Craig has certainly given us all many good laughs over the past few months, and in the following video, George Clooney and Brad Pitt have a bit of fun at his expense. Enjoy!

Dirty, affordable words

One of the finest erotica authors of all time, M. Christian, is offering some of his books (many that are rare or out of print) at what can only be called ROCK BOTTOM PRICES for a limited time only. Check them out -- if I'm not mistaken he will sign all of them!

This current crop leans more heavily toward gay smut, so if that's not your thing, M. Christian is going to be offering other books later, so keep your eyes on eBay for more penny-pinching deals to come...

Silky, frilly, smooth, or flimsy?

Although I love to look at lingerie, I don't enjoy wearing it. People are often surprised to learn this about me, since I'm in the sex business and all. But the truth is, most lingerie makes me feel itchy or self-conscious or both. My favorite unmentionables are simple and without artifice, but above all, they must flatter me and be comfortable. I've never met any two men who liked the same lingerie, and I've definitely never met any two men who liked the same lingerie on me -- some prefer lace, others satin. Some like to fight to get it off, others prefer that it peels off with no protest. Perhaps this fact is the reason that smart women choose lingerie not for their lovers, but with their own comfort (or sexual persona) in mind.

I ran across this blog post today, and read through the various French mens' answers about what lingerie means to them or what they like. I found it a bit silly, and I guess it's because only Frederic Taddei seems to have any grasp at all on the nature of eroticism. See what you think...

A guide to conjugal rights

Just recently discovered these guys: "Mr. Cholmondley-Warner and Grayson," a creation of English comedian Harry Enfield for his BBC show "Harry Enfield and Chums."

How can I still be cynical?

In the writing community, the announcement of Kindle: Amazon's New Wireless Reading Device has been nothing short of momentous.

Personally, I've been a real snob when it came to e-books. I called them "the last act of the desperate" and lumped them in with self-publishing in terms of respectability. Whenever anybody told me they had an e-book out, I politely congratulated them but I always wondered why they were excited because in my mind, I couldn't imagine who was reading these things.

And to be honest, I still don't know who's reading e-books. I don't know a single soul who's read an e-book. Maybe I just don't get out much, you know? (If you or someone you know reads e-books, please write me or comment here. I'm increasingly curious about this phenomenon.)

But this year, things started to change in publishing. Practically all the traditional print publishers who put out erotica got bought, got sold, changed their focus, or otherwise disappeared. A few of the big houses (Penguin, Avon, and even Kensington, which is not quite as big but still hefty...) do have erotica imprints but they are erotic romance, which is actually quite different. (How? It's generally not very good, to be honest. Story lines are lame and predictable, there has to be some kind of happily ever after ending, and the emotional content is usually limited to the urgency of whatever libidinous desires are at hand.) Cleis Press publishes erotica but they're pretty cliquish about who they work with (and they micromanage every anthology to the point where the editor is superfluous anyway), so for all intents and purposes, you can't even count them as an erotica publisher.

So, what's an erotica writer to do? In this dearth of traditional publishers, e-books very quickly became the most viable option for writers looking for a way to get their work seen.

And now, with Amazon's release of Kindle, the stage seems set for enormous leaps forward in the e-book world. When I watched Amazon's video of this incredible electronic device, I found myself thinking, "Wow, that is so cool. No glare, no weight, and incredible versatility. I want one!" And I figure that if even I, the last of the great e-book cynics, am now ready to read an e-book, can the rest of the world be far behind?

A friend of mine is about to launch her own e-publishing company: Noble Romance Publishing. I'm excited not only because she's my friend, but because the timing seems simply perfect for her venture to do well. Another aspect of her company that I especially appreciate is what she intends to publish. I have been amazed by how many e-publishers claim that they will publish what the traditional houses won't -- yet when push comes to shove, they are looking for the same formulaic stuff that is tried and true and above all, limiting. There are some exceptions, of course, but as a rule, I haven't found most of the e-publishers to be terribly enamored of risk. They know that edgier books are harder to sell and have a smaller audience, so who can blame them for not embracing them? The thing is, though, how does any publisher really know what people want until they actually offer it to them? Noble Publishing is going to offer a wide mix of erotic material, so I guess we'll find out soon enough just what the reading public is ready for.

Addendum as of December 8: This great article extolls Kindle's virtues beautifully.

What are you doing on Valentine's Day 2008?

Well, here's an idea for you. How about a week-long retreat in the Costa Rican town of Montezuma?

My friend LiYana of Redefining Monogamy is offering this retreat, which is "open to individuals and couples who want to create extraordinary relationships, expand body, heart and mind, whilst escaping the dreary mid-winter cold."

If I hadn't already scheduled a cruise with my sweetie up the Pacific Northwest in March 2008, I would jump on this opportunity -- it looks absolutely wonderful. LiYana is combining her inspirational workshop with a relaxing vacation and even a yoga component, which is optional (you could opt to just soak up the sun instead).

The price is outstanding and the location sublime. Barring any airline travel difficulties, there is simply no way you could return from a retreat like this one with any stress at all.

A Viking funeral for CES

If you subscribe to my mailing list, you already know this, but for those of you who don't, I decided this week that it's time for Custom Erotica Source to close its doors. The last date to place orders will be December 10 (I will be delivering stories through the holidays and into January, I suspect). The CES Web site will go dark after that.

This was not an easy decision to make, as you might imagine. I started CES in January 1998, which means that this January, it would have been 10 years old. And honestly, it was a fun run. I met terrific writers and worked with some delightful clients. My original goal was to start a company that would not only allow my work to land directly in the hands of people who wanted it, but also to give people permission to indulge their fantasies in a safe but exciting way.

I can honestly say I accomplished both and I wouldn't trade these 10 years for anything. But like all good things, CES must come to an end. One of my clients (Photoshop by ARB) -- for whom I've been supplying stories since about 1999, I think -- created the image you see here in honor of the occasion. And it's precisely the kind of generous, funny, warm-hearted gesture that I so often experienced from clients throughout the years. I'm getting verklempt just thinking about it!

What will I be doing? I'll still be writing -- no doubt about that. But I'll be moving into new genres and doing different kinds of projects. Change is good, especially when one can control it! I'll be posting more here in the next few weeks, so stay tuned....

Frequently Felt

Who doesn't love weird sex news? Nobody! Depending on who compiles it, though, you could end up with either a slew of nasty, scary, or disheartening news items or, if you're lucky, an assortment of stories that are delightful, positive, and wacky.

M. Christian's new Frequently Felt blog leans decidedly toward the latter.

Along with entertaining news items, Christian enhances his blog with original art from members of the DeviantArt Web site. All in all, the effect is exceptionally pleasing as well as informative!

(I love how he came up with the name for this blog. "Frequently felt" was the term used in the 1800s to describe either an old hat -- or a woman's privates. Clever, that.)

Bay area writing class

This class is being taught by CES staff writer, Jen Cross:

Declaring Our Erotic -- a day-long writing retreat for women
Saturday, November 10, 8:30am-4:00pm.

Intrigued by the idea of writing erotic stories or writing about sex? Been interested in the Declaring Our Erotic writing workshops but have a schedule that's too busy for a full 8-week workshop session? Want the opportunity to go a little deeper into the writing that you've gotten started on your own, or other workshop meetings?

Please join us on Saturday, November 11, for a day-long erotic writing retreat open to all women. Visit www.writingourselveswhole.org to register!

In this one-day writing retreat, we'll devote our writing selves to exercises that invoke various aspects of our erotic, sexual and sensual selves, in a safe and confidential group of peers. Explore the full, complex breadth of sexual desire, while practicing explicit erotic writing.

Previous participants have found the process of erotic writing to be deeply transformative, feeling that the work they've done has opened up and changed not only their relationship with their sexual selves, but with many other aspects of their lives as well.

No previous writing experience necessary!

Retreat held in a gorgeous healing arts house in Berkeley, very near Ashby BART. Continental breakfast and light lunch provided. To register or for pricing information, call 415-608-3398 or visit
www.writingourselveswhole.org.

-----
About your facilitator: Jen Cross is a freelance writer whose work has been published in numerous anthologies. She's a queer incest survivor who's used writing to transform her relationship with her sexuality, and has facilitated writing workshops for the past 5 years. She received her MA in Transformative Language Arts from Goddard College, and facilitates writing workshops using the Amherst Writers & Artists method (http://www.amherstwriters.com/).

111 shirtless men

One hundred and eleven "regular" guys walked into NYC's Abercrombie and Fitch store and took off their shirts. Why? To challenge that store's ridiculous and relentless depiction of perfect-looking people. The guys are part of a group called ImprovEverywhere, which I need to investigate further. Two of the guys were asked to leave the store, even as they were attempting to buy clothing -- so I guess Abercrombie and Fitch just preferred to have fewer "ugly" people in the store than a couple of sales. Interesting, no? Here's the video:

Ladies! "Love Your Body" day is October 18!

This presentation by NOW Foundation's Love Your Body Campaign illustrates and describes how advertisers and the media enforce unrealistic beauty standards, sexual ideals, and gender stereotypes that girls and women are expected to follow. What is the impact of these images on the health and well-being of women and girls, and what can YOU do?

Find out today and download the presentation.

The nipple bone's connected to the ... tooth bone?

Remember when you were a kid and you played doctor? A few years later, you understood that real doctors didn't feel up their patients.

But it appears that not every kid could accept that reality. In fact, some kids must have thought, "Man, this is excellent. I am so going to be a doctor when I grow up."

This dentist in Woodland, California has been "relaxing" patients by giving them "chest rubs." More than 2 dozen women have come forward to say that Dr. Feelgood (okay, his real name is Mark Anderson) groped them in the past five years.

Yes, it's weird and wild, but look at how many women just kept coming back for more. (I think we all know about the gynecologist fantasy that some women have -- you can't say no and they've got you where they want you -- but a dentist?)

I wonder what I would have done if I had been his patient. If his prices were good, who knows?

(I have a friend who claims she used to see a doctor who felt her up inappropriately. Has this ever happened to you, and if so, what did you do about it?)

Rubber Man

For those of you who listen to my podcast or troll the Web for weird stories, the following item will not be news to you. But you might enjoy it anyway.

Back in June, Reverend Gary Aldridge of Alabama was found dead in his home. He had been the senior pastor at Thorington Road Baptist Church for the previous 15 years. At the time, the circumstances were kept pretty quiet and rumors circulated that he had been murdered because he was found bound.

But no signs of forced entry into the house were found. And then came the autopsy report, which you can see here at The Smoking Gun. He officially died of "accidental mechanical asphyxia." The man had a rubber fetish of grand proportions: he was found in a a wet suit, diving mask, another diving suit with suspenders, rubberized underwear, and diving gloves and slippers His hands were bound and tied to his feet.

And there was a condom-covered dildo up his butt. (Hey, at least it was safe sex, right?)

And there's nothing wrong with any of this -- unless you're a pastor who worked with the likes of Jerry Falwell and you preach that sex other than that which leads to procreation is sinful. Then, well, you look like a damn fool -- and an overdressed one, at that.

I have several questions for the dearly departed and am so disappointed that I'll never be able to get any answers. I'd ask the right reverend:

1. Did he really tie himself up? (I'm quite impressed by the complexity of his knot arrangement and am curious to know if anybody helped him or if he spent years getting this right by himself. Although if getting it right means dying, I guess it's not so right after all. Practice makes perfect, which really ought to be in the Bible, if it isn't already.)

2. Where did he get that dildo? Sex toys are illegal to buy or sell in the state of Alabama. I doubt that he picked his up at the Good Book Parable Christian Store, although they do have some charming "home accents."

3. Did he ever use either of the suits for actual diving? I get so turned on by an auto-erotica master who also knows his way around the bottom of the ocean.

4. What became of the dildo? Did the authorities give it to the family (perhaps it was an heirloom!) or did it get buried with him so that he could truly come to Jesus?

As my beloved boyfriend so aptly put it, "There has to be a formula. Something like pomposity + hypocrisy + perversion = embarrassing death."