Quirky, erudite, and just plain fun

M. Christian -- my partner in all things -- recently started a blog with his brother Sam, and it's quickly turning into something rather remarkable.

It's called Meine Kleine Fabrik, which means "my little factory" in German. As many of you know, I find most blogs (even my own on occassion!) are not terribly compelling, amusing, or enlightening, and like reality shows, they seem mostly to be a way for people to have the say or voice that they cannot have in their everyday lives. (Yes, yes, I know the Internet is the great equalizer and that everybody deserves to have a voice, but let's face it, there are some people with opinions and thoughts that stir you and others who just winge on. Most are wingers, methinks.)

I was surprised when Chris wanted to start a blog because he has always been more anti-blog than I. But once he and his brother began posting things, I started to realize that they were using the concept of a blog in a whole new way.

You see, Chris and Sam are tremendously curious people. Intellectually insatiable, I think you could safely say. They take great pleasure in discovering small, perhaps even relatively unknown creations/inventions/facts/phenomena and delving in to learn more. (I am witness to their weekly get-togethers, where they tackle the problems of the world, play video games, eat crazy food from Japantown, and put their heads together on graphic novels they want to write. There is so much energy in the room, I often have to leave!)

Meine Kleine Fabrik is their avenue for reminiscing, celebrating, and exploring all the intruiging stuff they've ever encountered and/or enjoyed in their lives. The depth and breadth of their collective knowledge never ceases to amaze me, and now that the Internet truly does seem to contain virtually everything that ever existed, Chris and Sam are using the blog to post, marvel at, and catalog all the wild stuff they've ever had occasion to be influenced, taught, or entertained by.

But what I find the most touching of all is that they are using the blog as another way to bond with each other. They are titillated by one another's posts and although I sense a healthy level of competition between them regarding who can post the coolest stuff, each genuinely applauds what the other one puts up. The blog functions not only as an information sharing tool, but an emotional one, as well.

I'm so touched by what they've done for each other through this blog. Not to mention excited by what they're doing for anybody who reads it.

I encourage you to check it out. You won't find gratuitous puffery, pedantic prose, or anything even remotely mundane. And I guarantee you will learn something.

Mika sings "Grace Kelly"

I cannot stop listening to this song. I am quite thoroughly addicted -- so much so that I have to share it with you. (Mika is a U.K. artist but I'm hoping he swims over to this side of the pond soon.) Find him on MySpace at: http://www.myspace.com/mikamyspace

Glamour Magazine wants your lies

For Glamour magazine, writer Natasha Chilingerian is looking for anecdotes from women, age 20-40, that describe how you got out of a lie you told. The lie doesn't need to be 'outrageous.'
The lie should have occurred in adulthood (no stories from high school
or younger).

She'd love to hear how you handled a lie that you told:

- at work
- to a guy
- to a friend
- to your parents (as an adult)

Also, she'd love stories about lies told while doing online
dating (you lied about age/height/jobs/hobbies, etc.)

The anecdote should include:
An explanation of how you got out of a big lie you told someone. Give
all the details on why you told the lie, and how you handled the
fallout.

Glamour will only run first name and age if selected, but please also
include your phone number and email address for fact checking. Email
natashachilingerian@gmail.com if you have anecdotes!
She needs these by Tuesday morning, Feb. 20. Thanks so much.

They like it!

It's hard to write a book. And not necessarily for the reasons you think.

Popular wisdom holds that fiction writers struggle with periods when the muse does not visit or the creative well is dry. This is certainly a real and pervasive problem for some fiction writers. But it's just the beginning of the hell that awaits them after they are published.

Add to that struggle the disturbing eventuality of getting published and then having the unwashed masses take potshots at what took you weeks, months, or even years to create, polish, edit, and refine. If they don't understand your finely honed nuances or your incredibly clever plot twists, you and your book are villified and maybe you will have trouble earning money by being creative in the future.

Non-fiction, however, poses a somewhat different but equally irritating set of problems. It is far less dependent on visitations from the unpredictable muse but it does rely heavily on the writer's knowledge of the book's subject matter. Even if you thought you knew exactly what you'd write about and felt confident in your depth and breadth of knowledge to take the topic on, at some point during the writing, you will experience panic attacks of varying degrees because you will question whether you really know enough to write an entire book.

I faced such a question when I wrote YOUR EROTIC PERSONALITY. Suddenly, I was questioning everything I thought I knew, anticipating the "she doesn't know what she's talking about" criticisms that probably every writer gets (regardless of whether she actually does know anything about her subject matter!

So, when The Erotic Woman's review of my book came out this week, I breathed a sigh of relief. They gave it a glowing review, for which I am eternally grateful.

One down, approximately 50 more reviewers to go... Do they make a version of Valium especially for writers, I wonder? If so, I may consider acquiring a few thousand doses.

The Last Seduction

A young and virtually inexhaustible aspiring writer friend of mine, Lucy Felthouse, recently told me about the book she's writing: The Last Seduction. But she's writing it via blog entries and is letting the book take twists and turns based on reader feedback (and her own whim, of course!). The results are quite compelling.

Lucy is an engaging person and good writer -- check out her ongoing novel and give her some comments. She's taken custom erotica writing in a whole new direction!

(This image is by one of my CES illustrators, Gradiva. It screamed "seduction" to me....)

I want one!

As a dutiful San Franciscan, I am rarely without my iPod. It's true that I love the device itself, but I also feel happy when my music is with me. So, imagine my delight when my mischeivous beau brought the OhMiBod music-powered vibrator to my attention!

It syncs with your iPod to deliver a new level of musical satisfaction. And it is appropriately priced at -- what else -- $69.

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, I can't imagine why this little beauty wouldn't be on your list.

I can't help but think about how I might be able to make the most of this device on my daily commute...

What's a little pole among friends?

Did you ever long to be one of those zombie-faced women in a seedy bar who makes her living by pretending that a pole is one big penis?

You did?

Well, aside from the fact that I'm a little sorry for you, I'd like to tell you about a contest that might make your day. It's a pole party -- and it can happen right in your home! Yes! Now you too can aspire to objectify yourself for money! It's a good thing you stopped by today, huh?

Chasers War On Everything - Americans

I don't think any commentary can properly introduce the massive stupidity you're about to witness with this video. Having watched the film Idiocracy last night, I find this video only confirms my fear that morons are multiplying in alarming numbers in this country... I mean, we elected one, for crying out loud.

What do you think? Are most Americans really this dumb and uninformed? Or is it just the ones who live in Texas (where this video was apparently filmed)? (My apologies to intelligent people who happen to live in that state. I know you're out there. Please tell me you're out there.)

I want to be proud to be an American, but man, it's getting harder all the time...

LOVE those stereotypes

About two weeks ago, Village Voice columnist Rachel Kramer Bussel was given her walking papers. This was a rather stunning move on the part of the Village Voice because Rachel's column wass not only well-read and much enjoyed by many, but the publishing industry even acknowledged its importance by granting her several books deals in the past few years. Frankly, only her column and Violet Blue's are funny, informative, and worth your time. They are very different columns but they both provide(d) a connection to what's happening in the world of sex-related events and philosophies.

I thought it was strange that Rachel's was terminated, but I was curious about what might replace it.

Holy crap -- you should see what replaced it.

Here's a blog post from fellow writer Jolie du Pre that sums it up well, I think. (And if you want to read the whole column, god help you, go here.)

I am a woman in my forties and this new column is just outright stupid. I don't relate to it at all. True, I don't have children, but the Village Voice is supposed to stand for cutting edge perspectives -- since when does that include suburban mothers with nonexistent sex lives? And if such mothers have the time or inclination to read anything at all, will they choose to read about their waning and/or shriveling sex lives?

Now, it should also be noted that I'm not known in the industry as being somebody who's out there consuming all manner of sexual information and "freak show" news stories. For the most part, I let all that stuff flow right past me because it seems like a lot of ephemera to me. But I don't ignore all of it, because frankly, the very publication of any of those stories is further evidence that the world is becoming more accepting of sex in all its iterations -- and that's a good thing. So my primary objection to this new Village Voice column is simply this: I fail to see how it advances the idea of open-minded sex philosophies and sex acts. To hear the whining and complaints of women who aren't getting any sex may feel just great to the women doing the whining, but the rest of us -- those who have healthy sex lives, with or without children -- are not enhanced, educated, or otherwise enlightened by anything this new column would spew out.

In other words, do we need another column of hackneyed, unoriginal thoughts penned by stereotypes that nobody finds interesting anyway?

I feel sure Rachel is going to turn up in a new and better place. Meanwhile, the flushing sound you hear is the Village Voice going down the toilet.

Book reviewers wanted!

I have uncorrected proofs of my upcoming book, YOUR EROTIC PERSONALITY for anyone who might be willing to review it or otherwise talk about it on a Web site or blog. The book will be released in April. If you're interested in receiving a copy for a review, please write me at sagevivant@yahoo.com and tell me who the review is for and where to send your copy. Many thanks!

But they don't miss him there, either, I'll bet

Saw this bumper sticker today and loved it so much, I had to share it with you.

You, Coming and Going

Attention Orgasm Fans! Now there's a site that allows you to see the faces of others in their petite morts and even to upload your own.

Beautiful Agony is a rather brilliantly conceived site that offers a voyeuristic as well as an exhibitionistic opportunity for those interested in either. Capitalizing on both is also a clever way to make money, but then again, that's what the sex on the Internet is all about, I guess!

Upload your own video or watch those recorded by others. You'll see a wide range of facial expressions, sounds, and sexual attitudes -- it is indeed a novel concept. What I especially like about this site, though, is that the focus is on the face. No nudity allowed. It makes the watching more personal, somehow, not to have the distraction of bodies. It also makes the experience more intense because you have nowhere to look but the person's face.

And no, you won't be seeing my face up there, despite my exhibitionist tendencies! Special thanks to Leo for alerting me to this very unique site.

Glamour Magazine wants your fantasies

Glamour magazine is looking for submissions of sex
fantasies from women age 20-40. They want a desciption
of a fantasy, plus an explanation of why you think you
have the fantasy.

For the article, an expert will "decode" the fantasy.
If your selection is chosen, Glamour will run the
fantasy along with your first name and age. They
particularly need fantasies that fit the following
scenarios:

* about being watched
* involving characters on TV
* about someone they hate/is unattractive
* about her and another woman
* about a stranger
* about dressing up/Sex toys/role playing
* about her focusing completely on, and pleasing him

Keep your submission to two paragraphs, tops. Deadline
is December 29.

Send your fantasy, your phone number, and your
email address (for fact checking only) to Natasha at
natashachilingerian@gmail.com.

Buzzin' at MySpace

Jebus, I hate MySpace.

Yes, I do have a damn MySpace account , mostly because a year or so ago, writers everywhere got the word that they just had to have one to help promote their book(s). And so now we're all over there, yelling and screaming and jumping up and down like spoiled children, with not a genuine desire for true friends among us -- all everybody seems to want is eyeballs on their books. It's the nature of our world today that we must grasp at every available outlet to get any attention whatsoever for our creative efforts. But that doesn't make it any less sad.

But I'm not here to rant. Quite the contrary today! Every few days, I check my MySpace account to see if anybody wants to be my "friend." They are always requests from one of the following:

- writers who want to promote their books or writing in general
- musicians who see I've put Keane in my list and think I'll like their band, too
- sellers of sex-related items
- general lunatics who like to pontificate and desperately need an audience for their daily diatribes

I approve almost everyone. Maybe I feel like someday I can use them like they're using me. Bad karma all around, eh?

Anyway, today I got a "friend" request from the manufacturer of a product that I think is pretty damn cool. It's called iBuzz Two. It plugs into an iPod -- so it immediately has my attention! -- and is a music-activated sex toy. Music and sex. In the same toy. Wow. And its for couples as well as singles.

Now this is a momentous occasion because it marks the first time anybody has contacted me via MySpace with anything I give a shit about. And look what's happened -- I'm now spreading the word about this item.

So maybe there's something to this MySpace business, after all. I guess the trick is to hawk something interesting instead of "you should read my book because my friends say it's fantastic and why would they lie?" or "Look at me! I won an award given by an unknown group for a really lame reason!"

Reading -- Not So Fundamental After All

Hey, so remember that auction I was touting? The one that would benefit the charity Reading is Fundamental? The one that had lots of sexy but inoffensive goodies in one gift basket?

Maybe you can guess what happened.

If you guessed that we made a bijillion dollars and subsequently allowed every child to get the reading help he or she needed, you would, alas, be incorrect. If you guessed that Reading is Fundamental felt a strange tingling in their genitals at the mere thought of sexually related merchandise associated with their name, you'd be on the right track. So objectionable did they find our auction -- where the bidding had gotten up to more than $140 -- that they asked eBay to cancel it.

I ran on at length about this on my podcast, Four Minutes, Once a Week, so I'm a bit out of steam, but because I'm committed to recording all these sorts of rejections from the morally upright, uptight segments of society, I'm putting the details here for posterity.

With just three days left to go of its 10-day run, the auction was abruptly terminated by eBay because Reading is Fundamental didn't want its name associated with it. That's their right, of course, but this rejection is particularly galling because I have hosted auctions before and given the proceeds to Reading is Fundamental. Why was this one different? Did the 10-day run just give them more time to actually look at the auction details? Or was the addition of other vendors a sore point for them on this one? (My previous auctions have just been for Quickies from Custom Erotica Source. This one offered a Quickie, artisan chocolate, The Sex LIves of Wives by Holly Hollenbeck, a kit of sensual goodies from Babeland, and erotic stories on CD from Sounds Erotic.)

What kind of world do we live in where a charity can be so independent, so caught up in its image, that it can pick and choose where its donations come from?

You can bet I'll not be sending any more money in Reading is Fundamental's direction. They didn't even have the courtesy to reply to my message when I questioned them about ending the auction. Not only is my money dirty, they don't feel I'm worthy of a courteous response.

If any of you know of organizations who do what Reading is Fundamental does to further the cause of teaching kids to read, please let me know, because that's where I'll funnel auction proceeds in the future.

Glad to be excluded

The annual Bad Sex in Fiction Awards are in full swing, so check them out if you want to feel better about your own writing.

They seem to pick mostly from mainstream or literary fiction for these, so I'm safe from their scathing gaze. But watch out -- when more than a handful of people actually read my books, who knows? I could end up on this list!

Sex + Politics = Damn Funny Stuff

This video is pretty damn inspired. See if you don't chuckle.

Why did we think he was wooden??

This is such a delightful interview with Al Gore. Enjoy!

Sexy Gift Basket for Charity

If you're looking for a memorable gift for your lover this holiday season, look no further than the terrific auction going on at eBay right now through December 8. And the proceeds benefit Reading is Fundamental!

This very special gift basket contains:

* ARTISAN CHOCOLATE from San Francisco chocolatier Cacao Anasa
* A QUICKIE from Custom Erotica Source
* THE SEX LIVES OF WIVES by Holly Hollenbeck
* BODY KIT of sensual oils, candles, and toys from Babeland
* EROTIC AUDIO from Sounds Erotic

The full retail value of all these goodies totals more than $181 -- but bidding at eBay starts at only $30. The winner will get this gift basket shipped to them before December 25.

How cool when something benefits your love life and a good charitable cause...

Important Petition

There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the "drive-through mastectomy" where women are forced to go home just a few hours after surgery, against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.

Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on.

PLEASE!! Sign the petition. You need not give more than your name and zip code number.

This takes about 2 seconds. PLEASE PASS THIS ON to your friends and family, and on behalf of all women, THANKS.

Call (or IM) me

I recently discovered BlogTalkRadio, a way to turn the ramblings of a blog into a potentially entertaining talk show. It's an interactive blog that uses a phone and the Internet as the means of communication. Anyway, it seems pretty cutting edge and so I'm going to give it a whirl.

On November 28 at 8:30 pm (Pacific Time), you can call or IM me and be part of the show! All the details are here.

If you don't call, you realize I'm going have to fill up 30 minutes of air time. Am I nervous? Noooooooo.....

STUPID IGNORANT UNENLIGHTED MORONIC BACKWARD HYPOCRITICAL PAROCHIAL DENSE

Well, I had yet another run-in with an overly cautious, morally righteous, and obviously sexually repressed business owner. (Remember: I'm using this blog to track these incidents. Really, I think over time they're going to prove very amusing. At the time they happen, however, they just set my blood to boiling.)

Let me begin by saying that I'm constantly on the look-out for ways to promote CES. Most of you already know that. What I don't want to do is promote it exclusively on adult sites. Why? Because I firmly believe there's a big fat contingent of people who want sexual services or products but don't want to visit "adult" sites. Maybe they're afraid or easily offended but whatever the reason, they really crave "safe" places to shop and get information and just generally enjoy themselves. I strive to make Custom Erotica Source a place for those people. That doesn't mean "vanilla" or sanitized -- it just means a place that doesn't make you feel dirty just by putting your fingers to your own keyboard.

And that's why I'm always outraged when some well-meaning but pointy-headed idiot lumps my site in with the dreck that I'm trying to distinguish myself from.

Take the case of the blowhard who runs Yearbook.com. I'll set the scene for you. I heard about this company/organization (or rip-off outfit, depending on your unique perspective) through an informative site called Publicity Hound. It's a repository of "experts" who pay a fee to be listed in this guy's "yearbook" and media people consult this yearbook to find experts on certain topics. Well, obviously, this is a fantastically easy way for this dude to rake in the bucks -- the minimum listing costs $995 and the most expensive is $2495. Do we really know if media people turn to Yearbook.com to find experts? No, not really, but when you're a fledgling business desperate to find ways to make the media get in touch with you, you want to believe that schemes like this work. And really, they might. Owner Mitchell Davis has gotten himself some publicity in the Wall Street Journal so maybe a rogue reporter is turning to Yearbook.com every once in a while. I honestly don't know.

(Davis does not inspire confidence. He foolishly posted a video of himself explaining how expensive video presentations aren't necessary to promote things on your Web site. This video might have accomplished its purpose if it hadn't been grainy, hard to hear, and painfully amateurish. It had the effect of making one feel desperately sorry for him.)

So, as part of my ongoing and exhausting methods of figuring out how to market my upcoming book, YOUR EROTIC PERSONALITY, I considered the relative merits of listing myself in this dubiously effective Yearbook. There was some kind of $200 discount at the time, so I took the plunge on the least expensive listing. I filled out my profile and all the tedious muck that's required. I received a password to access my account.

And within a few hours, the password ceased to work. I wrote to inquire what might have happened. I got no response. I wrote again two days later. Still no response. I wrote a third time and still nothing. But there was no charge to my credit card so I wasn't too upset. I began to suspect that the so-called "adult" nature of my business might be the issue, but until this jerk decided to take the time to answer my messages, I wouldn't know for sure.

One week after signing up, I wrote him once again, this time directly through the links on his Web site. Finally, the creep deigns to reply. He says only "Your credit card was not charged."

Articulate little bugger, eh?

So, I write back, telling him I appreciate that, but why was it that my membership was rejected?

He is not a man of eloquence. He simply repeats that no charge will appear on my credit card.

Who among us needs to be jerked around like this? I then wrote to Joan Stewart, the woman who runs Publicity Hound (and who I'm sure makes a little commission on anybody her site sends to his). I mentioned the incident to her and she said, "Oh, yes. Mitchell told me that someone tried to sign up but it was an adult site so he rejected it. I'm sorry to hear that it was you."

Yes, well, that makes two of us, Joan. I told her it would have been nice if he'd had the courtesy to tell me that. She agreed.

Armed with this new information, I wrote to Mitchell Davis once again, repeating what Joan had told me. Know what he says in response? "I'm glad we've worked that out, then."

Worked what out, you moron??? You've told me nothing, have wasted so much of my time I wish I could wring your overfed neck, and still have not had the courtesy to explain anything to me about the basis of your decision.

I swear, if I conducted my business this way, I'd have no clients. How does he get away with this?

Now it was my turn to be terse. I wrote back with: "No thanks to you!"

He replied and encouraged me to phone him. Oh joy. More time I don't really have. Nevertheless, I call the guy, admittedly as much out of curiosity as irritation.

He prefaces our talk by explaining that sometimes, he's found that it's easiest not to provide specifics to someone via email.

I find this a baffling approach, so I ask why he feels that way. I still don't understand his answer and don't think I could even recap it for you. It was truly nonsensical.

So I decided not to press him on the point because I felt it would inevitably go as swimmingly as our email exchanges. Instead, I asked what he found objectionable about my site.

I expected a whole range of responses, but what I didn't expect was: "You link to Pilgrim Telephone. Do you know what Pilgrim Telephone is?"

Now, ladies and germs, I know quite well what Pilgrim Telephone is, especially since I work for them on occasion as a writer. They provide all manner of phone services (sex, astrology, etc.) and they are (I believe) the largest provider of such in the nation. Everyone I've ever worked with at Pilgrim has been a pleasure. They recently asked me and CES to be a guinea pig for them as they try to market an upscale phone sex line to women. I agreed to help and am currently hosting a tasteful ad for them on my index page. I've posted it here so you can see it.

So, I tell Davis briefly that I'm well aware of Pilgrim and its services. I wonder silently whether he thinks I'm so lame and/or stupid that I'd promote a business I knew nothing about. I then ask, "So, if that ad wasn't there, would you be able to do business with me?"

"Well, now, I don't like to conjecture," he replies. (I am using the word "conjecture" but he used one with fewer syllables. What he meant was "conjecture.") "Who can say whether your site would qualify otherwise? I just saw that ad and stopped right there."

"So you don't know what my site sells or anything about my business?"

"No, see you gotta understand that if I start doing business with porn sites, I'm not going to be able to do business."

YEAH, ASSHOLE. TELL ME ABOUT IT. The adult stigma is really a bitch, ain't it?

"Do you know how many lawsuits Pilgrim Telephone has against it? If somebody files suit, you could be implicated by carrying an ad for them on your site," he says. (I have since spoken with Pilgrim about these alleged law suits, and they have no idea what this putz is talking about.) "Do you know what the ad leads people to?"

This guy must think I'm a colossal bimbo. He clearly does not believe that I have much to do with the business end of things at all. "Yes," I tell him. "The ad leads to a page that describes Pilgrim's phone sex line for women."

"So, it's promoting phone sex and you're okay with that?"

Good lord. Is this 1979? Are we in Kansas, Dorothy?

"I think a woman has a right to decide if she wants to make such a phone call, yes. Plenty of women do," I say.

He then launches into an unfocused diatribe about how there's porn on YouTube now, how LexisNexis won't deal with him if he's got any adult links, and am I familiar with AVN (Adult Video Network) and do I go to their shows? I have no clue where this guy is going or why. He has lost me, but most important, he has proven that his brain is a consistently malfunctioning organ.

And for someone who finds adult sites so objectionable, he certainly seems to know a lot about them!

We worked nothing out. Nothing. He still runs his business like a chimpanzee with a laptop, hasn't a clue about customer service, and is probably making money hand over fist. But you know what? At least he doesn't have a dime of my money.

Do you think he treats everyone like he treated me? It's impossible to say, of course, but it's idiots like him that prevent me and every other well-run, respectable, sex-related business from being seen or taken seriously. And the ultimate irony is, of course, that he doing everything wrong that he possibly could but he gets Wall Street Journal coverage. We live in one fucked-up world, kids.

A little governmental humor

More can be said through humor than any other form of communication. At least, I think it can, and after all, this is my blog. Anyway, a friend sent this to me today and I laughed so much, I thought I'd share it with all of you. It has been attributed to John Cleese, but according to Snopes, Mr. Cleese had no hand at all in it. Nevertheless, it is funny as all hell. Enjoy!

From John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".

3.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels, (look up vocabulary).

4.Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "ize".

6.You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

7.July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

8.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

9.Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone, or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

10.Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

11.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

12.All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

13.At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

14.The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

15.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

16.The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

17.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

18.You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

19.Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

20.You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An Internal Revenue Agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Cheers,
John

Everybody needs a cheap quickie

This month's CES charity auction is in full swing. Bid on a Quickie (500 word story) and get it for considerably less than the $45 retail price -- and help out a good cause at the same time. The cause this month is A Soldier's Wish List. Bid soon! The auction ends on October 17.

Have sex for the good of your country

Mark Morford, one of my personal heroes, provides the most compelling reason of all to hop into the sack and get crackin'.

What is your erotic personality?

Have you ever wondered why you need one set of stimuli to get turned on while your partner needs something entirely different? Or why you react to certain sexual situations in ways that intrigue, excite, or confuse you? Now you can find out what makes you tick.

In a few months, you'll be able to take the quiz in my book YOUR EROTIC PERSONALITY and get the answers to these questions. You'll learn which erotic type you can claim as your own and how to make the most of it.

But until then ... you can get a glimpse at the types and see which one resonates with you! The downloadable PDF, WHAT IS YOUR EROTIC PERSONALITY?, is available now from Amazon.com.

Check it out and let me know if you found it informative -- your opinions matter because I'm currently at work on a sequel to the book!

Cool book I forgot to mention

It occurs to me that I never did tell you about a great little book I'm in called American Casanova. This book is worth mentioning, not only because it's a great read, but because it's a collaborative novel "directed" by Maxim Jakubowski. Seventeen different writers (including M. Christian, Lucy Taylor, O'Neil De Noux, Molly Weatherfield, and Thomas Roche, to name a few) contributed a chapter to this book, which constitutes quite a dose of imagination!

The book's concept is wonderful: the legendary Casanova wakes up one morning to discover he's not only alive, but now living in 21st century Venice! He spots a beautiful woman at a party he's not even sure how he got to, and proceeds to go wherever necessary to find her again. He ends up in America, where loads of adventures -- mostly sexual, of course -- await him.

It's a clever book and a cut above average erotica fare. I'm very proud to be in it.

The contest with no prize

If someone offered you a date with Ron Jeremy, would you stare and blink and blubber, stupefied by your incredible luck? Or would you mutter a polite "thank you" and walk away? Enter this contest. It's the only way to know how you'll react when you win.

Ooops, I did it again

A few days ago, I was going to sit down and invite you to rejoice with me because iTunes accepted my new RSS feed of Four Minutes, Once a Week! Really, my joy was boundless. No sooner had I started to tell friends and associates about my incredible good fortune, however, when iTunes withdrew its gracious permission and kicked me out of iTunes. Again.

Those of you who have been listening to my podcast for the past year (hard to believe it's that long already!) know that iTunes never accepted me the first time I submitted my feed. They said my content was offensive. Please keep in mind that they blithely carry the podcasts of so-called "sex educators" and people who perform all manner of sex acts to the audible enjoyment of their listeners, but erotic fiction somehow offends their delicate sensibilities.

So let me get this straight, iTunes. It's okay to teach someone what to stick in what hole and how they should touch themselves if orgasm is their goal, but supplying them with stories that will inspire them to do those things without a qualified instructor present is dirty, nasty business.

Whatever. I have truly given up on these sons of bitches. My podcast will never get the exposure that non-fiction podcasts do and the rationale for iTunes' arbitrary rule will eternally elude me.

It's possible for a person to subscribe to my podcast through iTunes, but iTunes will not give me a pretty little page with my photo and a list of previous installments of the podcast. HERE'S HOW TO SUBSCRIBE IN iTUNES:

1. Click on "Advanced" at the very top of your iTunes page. One of the options that will drop down will be "Subscribe." Click on that.

2. It will then present you with a box asking for a URL. To get the audio-only version of Four Minutes, Once a Week, type in http://sage.libsyn.com/rss . To get the enhanced version -- with images that can be seen on iTunes and iPods -- type in http://sage2.libsyn.com/rss .

(Word on the street is that iTunes is doing a serious clean-up of its podcasts. Many long-running podcasts are getting the boot, and there's lots of grumbling about censorship yet until somebody brings a class-action suit against Apple, I don't suppose our voices will ever get heard. I realize that Apple doesn't have to devote a page to any of us, but my feelings are that if they're going to devote pages to some sexy podcasters, they need to devote them to all of us. But that's just my crazy egalitarian mindset kicking in again. And to think how many hundreds of dollars I've spent in the iTunes store....!)

A sex toy to make you squeal

I know they're not supposed to make us giggle, but sometimes, you see a sex toy that just delights you so much, you want to own it as much for the smiles as for the orgasms. Such as the case with the Lil Piggy Buttplug. I mean, really, this is just adorable!

Why I hate banks

At the end of 1997, I left the world of banking, where I'd spent more than 10 years learning about consumer credit and then enforcing federal banking laws. I learned that the average banker is a drone with delusions of power and the average bank teller has the I.Q. of pocket lint.

This article from the San Francisco Chronicle is a shining example of how truly stupid and unthinking banks and bankers are.

Bottom line: banks assume everyone except their wealthiest customers are criminals. If you don't believe me, read this article.

At least in the erotica world, we just assume everyone is a sex fiend, which has a lot more potential for fun.

Parlez-vous Biz Speak?

Little known fact: I have a day job! And increasingly, at work I find myself surrounded by people speaking a foreign tongue -- everything from "monetizing the content space" to "shifting the paradigm" (although I understand any mention of "paradigm" brands one as a throwback to the Gordon Gekko's era).

Anyway, when I saw this Biz Speak generator, I exclaimed "Eureka!" Maybe now I can run with the big dogs....

Update: one of my favorite podcast listeners, who shall remain anonymous for his own protection, saw this post and turned me on to Bullshit Bingo, which I think has great potential, too!

Please take my survey

In April 2007, my first nonfiction book, YOUR EROTIC PERSONALITY, is due to be released by Berkley Books. Yes, it's exciting! But that's not the reason for my post.

I am interested in creating a club in conjunction with the book but want it to offer real value to the people who read the book. That's where you come in. I would love to hear what you'd expect to get from such a club.

Please take the survey.

It should only take about five minutes of your time (seven if you're especially thoughtful in your responses!). Your thoughts will be highly valuable to me.

The survey closes on September 8. I appreciate your input very much.

Another Stephen Colbert gem

For me, there's no better way to digest the day's news than with Jon Stewart's The Daily Show at 11:00 pm, followed by The Colbert Report at 11:30 on Comedy Central. These guys are voices of sanity amid a world of what often feels like fools, crooks, and spin doctors.

Today, I discovered this funny link to Stephen Colbert's clever little game, You're on Notice! Enjoy -- and put the bastards on notice!

Sex -- Then and Now

This morning, I received a link from a friend who knew I'd find it amusing. It's a film from 1965 produced by the Citizens for Decent Literature and it's called "Perversion for Profit." What a hoot! The film warns of the dangers of obscenity, linking it to everything from communism to homosexuality to the fall of Rome. It's among those films that's been parodied so much, you can almost guess the next words out of the presenter's mouth before he says them. (The introductory credit says the man's name is George Putnam, "outstanding news reporter," which is pretty hilarious in and of itself.)

So, I had a good chuckle over it (as I hope you will) and thought to myself, "How far we've come in 40 years."

And then, this evening, an individual by the name of "Real Diehl" wrote me (and several others, I soon learned) to share his original song, which he calls "Circle Jerk for Humanity." Well, folks, this is yet another hoot (although frankly, I was more entertained by the 1965 film).

I may not want to run out and buy this guy's song, but you know, it's pretty cool that he can not only create it but get people to hear it without fear of getting arrested. What would ol' George Putnam have said about Real Diehl, I wonder?

The song made me think yet again that we'd come a long way in 40 years, but I wasn't sure it was necessarily progress...

Which leads me to a final discovery today, mostly thanks to my wonderful man, Chris, who is a huge fan of writer Alan Moore. The Onion did a serious interview with Moore and I was completely floored by this guy's vision and outlook about sex. Read the interview and tell me you don't want to crawl into his brain and learn how it works. I highly recommend the interview, and plan to read his work ASAP. (Luckily, Chris has everything Moore has ever written!)

Alan Moore gives me hope that yes, indeed, maybe we have come a long way in 40 years.

Upcoming Public Appearance

Anybody in the San Francisco bay area on August 12 is invited to attend a monthly event called Writers With Drinks, where I'll be reading and talking about being a custom erotica writer. This event is hosted by local writers Charlie Anders and Annalee Newitz, and combines erotica with literature, stand-up comedy with science fiction and poetry with essays.

Here's the lineup:
Daisy Zamora (The Violent Foam)
Noria Jablonski (Human Oddities)
Sage Vivant (Custom Erotica Source)
Julia Jackson (Sistahs, RooftopComedy)
Cynthia Heimel (Sex Tips For Girls)
Ellen Klages (Time Gypsy)

Writers With Drinks happens at The Make-Out Room, 3225 22nd. St., San Francisco CA, from 7:30 PM to 9:30 PM. Doors open at 7 PM. Admission is $3 - $5 (sliding scale). Hope to see you there!

Eat my Amazon Shorts

I've decided to document on this blog each and every time I run into a roadblock for myself or CES because of the nature of my material (i.e., sex).

Here's the latest. Amazon.com has introduced a new "product" called Amazon Shorts. No, they aren't apparel -- just very short stories or pieces from authors that Amazon will sell for 49 cents and give the author a teeny tiny cut. I don't know who might buy such an item, but I thought it would be a cool way for me to do some pre-publicity on my upcoming non-fiction book, Your Erotic Personality.

Amazon asks you to "apply" for this program and the application is pretty simple -- just tell them the names and ISBN numbers of your currently available books. So, I did that. After they confirm that you're really an author, they send you a one-page sheet about what kind of material is appropriate for their program. The sheet focuses on length and marketability of whatever you want to write. That's all.

I tinkered with my introduction to Your Erotic Personality to make it shorter and less descriptive, and I included a fun list of the 12 erotic types that are outlined in my book. There were no dirty words in my proposed Amazon Short. Not one.

But Amazon.com rejected it because they don't deal in erotica. Hmmmm. Let me get this straight. They will sell all manner of erotic anthologies on their site (making money from every sale). They will feature on the recently launched Amazon Fishbowl series three Playboy bunnies talking about life in the mansion and the MALE authors of the book WHY MEN FALL ASLEEP AFTER SEX. But my book -- a fun, light-hearted take on 12 erotic personality types written by a woman -- is dangerous and offensive.

And might I also point out that they knew all my titles were erotic before I even submitted anything because they had asked for a list of my books. So, basically, they wasted everybody's time.

Can I even begin to tell you how tired I am of double-standards and bullshit in the world of sex-related material? If I were a Playboy bunny, Amazon would be happy to give me space and time on their illustrious site. If I were a man writing about sex, well, that would be amusing stuff and they'd not blink at all. But I'm neither. I'm persona non grata.

Looks like I'll have to find another way to give people a glimpse into my upcoming book. The PR methods available to "normal" people aren't available to me.

PBS has no cajones!

In this absolutely fantastic column by my very favorite columnist, Mark Morford, you can learn about the plight of "The Good Night Show"'s Melanie Martinez. PBS fired her as host of this kiddie show when they discovered (because she told them) she had once done public service announcement spoofs on sex and virginity. In other words, she's a normal sexual woman with a sense of humor. Dangerous stuff.

At the end of the column is a link to where you can write to PBS to tell them you're mad as hell. I urge you to speak your mind -- and threaten to withhold future donations. If they're going to cave in to the religious right, do they deserve your money?

Chris Bridges -- funny weird or funny "ha ha"?

If you don't know who Chris Bridges is, you don't know what you're missing. He's the court jester at Hoot Island and he's a Celebrity Writer at Custom Erotica Source. But more important, he writes the funniest damn erotica you'll ever read.

If you don't believe me, either buy his book Giggling Into the Pillow or listen to me read one of his stories this week on my podcast. I swear if you don't laugh, you don't deserve to have sex.

Never Mind!

Guess what? Seems yours truly was more of a self-righteous pain in the ass than the folks at Archipelago Books! So, as Emily Litella would say, "Oh! I'm sorry. Never mind."

I wrote AB a scathing email after they rejected the auction. Yesterday, they wrote me a response, explaining that they didn't object to CES as a "benefactor" -- they were merely confused by Ebay's message and thought it was some sort of spam (yes, because the word "erotica" appeared in it). So they just rejected it.

I assigned very negative motives to them and that was wrong of me. As the representative there so succinctly stated, "I encourage you not to forget that despite all the faces and fronts of the internet, we aren't what we click." Well put, don't you think?

We've exchanged several messages since my previous post and ironed out this misunderstanding. Archipelago Books would be happy to be associated with future auctions from CES.

Please consider this a very public apology, Archipelago. Maybe I'll learn to keep my big mouth shut until I have all the facts.

The Trouble with Rectitude

I once thought that the province of literature was an open-minded one, where thoughts and ideas flowed freely. I believed it was the last vestige of the disenfranchised. When society turned its insensitive, unfeeling back on someone, that person could always find refuge in the written word. Those words might not always get published because not all voices appeal to all readers, but the whole point of literature is to give voice to people who have something to say.

Isn't it?

Well, no. Not always. I'm infuriated tonight because Archipelago Books in New York, a very tony "not for profit press committed to bringing works of classic and contemporary literature from all corners of the world to our shores" objected to my designating them as the benefactor in my recent charity auction on Ebay. This is an organization that presents itself as an entity of tolerance and acceptance, an organization that embraces new voices so much, it wants to be sure we get exposure to them. But apparently, sex is not an idea they can support. Mine is not an important voice, my ideas are not worth

Within hours of my posting a charity auction for a Quickie (which I want to do monthly and had intended to choose a different charity each time), Archipelago Books contacted Ebay to protest any affiliation with Custom Erotica Source. Ebay was then obligated to cancel the auction. Is it just me or is that hypocrisy in the extreme? How can a business (for profit or not) purport to facilitate subversive, unknown, or unpopular ideas and then turn around and exclude one because it objects on moral grounds? Can it be that they publish nothing that somebody doesn't find objectionable? I tend to doubt that.

You've all seen CES. It's pretty tasteful, given the subject matter. The whole idea behind CES is to present sex in a positive way and to make erotica accessible to people who might be shy about reading it. CES won't bombard you with pop-ups or make you feel like you need a shower after you leave it. But Archipelago Books objected on moral grounds, nonetheless. It wouldn't surprise me if they didn't even visit the site, and just saw the word "erotica" and panicked. (I shouldn't assume, but it certainly shocks the hell out of me that anybody could visit CES and really be offended by it. At least, anybody not firmly entrenched in the religious right.)

I've run CES since 1998 and this incident is just so typical of the barriers my business faces simply because it deals with a topic so many people are afraid of. The Better Business Bureau won't even allow CES to be rated (thereby ensuring that it never gets even a modicum of legitimacy). I must pay more than a "regular" business for my credit card merchant account because mine is an "adult" business. (How CES could even be remotely lumped into the same camp as "Teenage Facial Cum Shots" is beyond me, but that's the myopic world of business for you.) I cannot use PRWeb to distribute press releases any more because they've blacklisted CES.

And now even a charity won't accept a donation from CES. The whole situation defies comprehension. All I can do, however, is move forward because narrow-minded pinheads such as those at Archipelago Books aren't likely to change their minds. I've relisted the charity auction and selected Reading is Fundamental as the benefactor of the auction proceeds. (They didn't object to the M.J. Rose book auction I posted last month, so I think they don't make moral judgments about those who give them donations.)

So, if you'd like to bid on a Quickie and know that your money is going to a good cause, visit the new auction . And never, ever buy anything from rectitude-ridden Archipelago Books.

Miserable Artist Woes

M. Christian forwarded this link to me and I just love it.

Chris (that's M. Christian, by the way) and I are both writers and therefore subject to the self-inflicted ego annhiliation that is part and parcel of offering your work to the public. We wrestle daily with feeling like crap because somebody else got a book deal or an interview or a mention or some nod indicating approval. It's insane, really. That's why I love this link and its tongue-in-cheek advice about how to stay miserable as an artist -- it's a great reminder that writers, artists, composers, musicians, and all creative types need to stay focused on the work itself and not the reaction to or criticism of it.

Sure, we all like to know that what we've created touches people in some way. But is that why we do it? Hopefully that's not the primary reason. If an artist doesn't please herself first, how can she please others?

And isn't this funny coming from a writer of erotica who writes SO MUCH stuff to the specifications of clients? Wish I had a camera so you could see my artist's soul withering away....

Sex in fun places

For proof that sex is truly everywhere and that it's just plain fun, check out the Sexculturas blog. A guy in Barcelona, Spain has assembled all sorts of photos where sex figures prominently in art or daily objects (although in some cases, he makes it figure prominently, if you know what I mean).

For those of us who basically speak only English, don't panic when you go to the site and see that it's in Spanish. Go to the WorldLingo translation site and plop in the URL. Voila (or however you say that in Spanish). You'll have a reasonably good idea of what the blog says -- and you'll get a few laughs at some of the awkward translation attempts.

I love it when people do this stuff. They view sex with a wonderfully healthy eye and celebrate it with joy. I raise my glass to you, "PRU"! (And I'm adding you to my Cool Blogs page at Custom Erotica Source!)

Candid interview with Al Gore about AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH

Although I realize this blog has become increasingly more political than sexual of late, I couldn't resist posting this wonderful interview with Al Gore about his enlightening film, AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH. If you haven't seen the movie, I really urge you to do so, especially if you have any doubts about global warming.

Gavel in one hand....

This judge in Oklahoma might have been better off cruising the Internet for porn after hours rather than whacking off behind the bench. But hey, who am I to judge a good multi-tasker?

Got a Web site?

One of Custom Erotica Source's illustrators, Gradiva, has just published a book about -- of all things -- Search Engine Optimization! She did a chapter on SEO for adult sites, and I'm quoted in the book! She sent me a copy of it, and I've been reading it. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that there's some great advice in it! If you've got a Web site, you ought to check this book out. Gradiva and co-author Jennifer Grappone present what would normally be an insufferably dry and boring topic and make it readable and informative. Bravo, Gradiva!

Ann Coulter vs. Adolf Hitler

Click on the subject line above to take a quiz that will not only test your knowledge of America's biggest hate monger but the world's most famous ethnic cleanser.

I keep saying I'm going to ignore this woman in the hopes that she'll eventually shut up and go away, but when a friend shared this quiz with me, I couldn't resist. See how you score! I got a 12.

Garrison Keilor is simply brilliant

I love his essay about the ineptitude of the current administration.

When is an erotic story a tax deduction?

It isn't often that you can get the erotic fiction you want *and* give to
a good cause. But now, thanks to a very special auction that ends on June
16, you can bid on the opportunity to do just that.

You've seen me promote the work of author M.J. Rose on many occasions --
but this time is unlike any other. M.J.'s most recent book, LYING IN BED, is an erotic romance that casts the main character as a writer of love letters for clients who have trouble communicating desire. Being in a similar situation, I identified closely with this character and thought it would be fitting for M.J. Rose to offer customized work of her own through Custom Erotica Source to one lucky recipient.

M.J. Rose insisted, however, that the proceeds for her labor go to her favorite charity, Reading is Fundamental. So, the winning bid on the charity auction at Ebay will benefit RIF.

Talk about a guilt-free fantasy! Get a 2,000-word story from a writer who's proven over and over that she know how to weave an intelligent, sexy tale -- and give to a worthy cause in the process. Opportunities like this are rare indeed. You can actually get a tax write-off for getting turned on!

Bidding has already begun and ends on June 16. Do yourself and Reading is Fundamental a giant favor and place your bid today for a 2,000-word story
by M.J. Rose.

Call for Submissions from Circlet Press

This just in from Cecilia Tan, editor and publisher at Circlet Press:

Call for Submissions

Best Fantastic Erotica, Volume 2
edited by Cecilia Tan
published by Circlet Press, Inc.
Deadline: August 15, 2006

The Best Fantastic Erotica anthology will be a compilation of erotic stories of all the types Circlet is known for-in other words erotica with a sf or fantasy twist or sf/f with an erotic twist. BFE v.1 will be published in summer 2006. The volume we are now calling for will be for publication in 2007.

For more information, see the full guidelines at http://www.circlet.com/GL1997.html.

And by the way, be sure to check out her latest anthology, MILF -- I have a story in it!

My views on cupcakes

... are available at Rachel Kramer Bussel's cupcake blog. I believe that if the world had more of these kinds of blogs, wars would be rendered unnecessary. But hey, that's just me.

BIGGER, BETTER, LONGER .... Podcasts!

Because my podcast "Four Minutes, Once a Week," seemed to do so well, I decided to start a new podcast -- this time with longer stories (because four minutes is nice, but may not always be enough for ... completion, you know?).

The new podcast, "She Makes Up Stories," will offer at least two stories each month that will run anywhere from 25 to 40 minutes each. You can subscribe to all of them for just $24.99 annually or purchase individual episodes for $1.99. Best of all, it's all through Audible.com's Wordcast -- so you know the quality and ease-of-use will be top-notch.

You can go have a listen to my first one, "Beverly's Pastime," and see if you want more. Part two of that story will be posted in the next few days -- as soon as I can get M. Christian to read his part! :)

New Site: THE EROTIC WOMAN

Ladies, if you've been looking for an intelligent, sexy, comprehensive site that addresses the aspects of life, love, and sex that you actually care about (as opposed to finding merely interesting!), there's a great new site out there called The Erotic Woman. I do not exaggerate when I say that I have yet to see such a beautifully produced site targeted to women. And that's why I'm so proud to be a columnist for them! Some of my fiction is posted there, as well. The team behind The Erotic Woman is talented and not prone to underestimating the expectations of its audience. Please check it out -- even if you are male!

A lovely review of AMAZONS!

Many thanks to author Lisabet Sarai, who wrote a very nice review of AMAZONS: SEXY TALES OF STRONG WOMEN at one of my favorite sites, The Erotica Readers and Writers Association.
You know, it's no picnic reviewing erotica anthologies...! I'm serious -- every one is just so very different and there are bound to be stories that just don't resonate with every reader. There's a tendency among reviewers to react to the sexual aspects of the stories rather than their inventiveness or emotional hook -- if the reviewer isn't turned on, the book gets a bad review. Lisabet does a terrific job, though, and considers more than the sex scenes when she evaluates the individual stories as well as the book as a whole. So, I'd just like to say "Thanks, Lisabet, for understanding the peculiaities of erotic fiction!" (And she should understand it -- she writes enough of it! Be sure to check out any of her novels -- you'll be in for a great read.)

Do you know women who cheat?

Freelance writer Jennifer Matlack is writing a feature for Penthouse about why women cheat. If you or someone you know would like to be interviewed for her article (NOTE: names will be changed), please contact Jennifer at jmatlack121@comcast.net.

Here are the types of women she's looking to hear from:

* A serial cheater
* A woman who cheated just once, and regrets it
* Someone who does it only when she's drunk, etc ...
* Someone who cheated to get back at a cheating husband/boyfriend
* A woman who has had a longterm lover while maintaining her marriage

Pass this along to someone you think might be interested!

Apparently, I am an introvert

Despite my sometimes vivacious and perky nature, those who know me know that there's an opposing side that often seems nothing less than curmudgeonly. Well, I found out a few days ago that I am not a curmudgeon -- I am an introvert. I confess to feeling some relief about this. The article is truly wonderful -- if you know anybody who hates parties and would rather be alone than making small talk with others, read this article. It will tell you all you need to know about people who prefer their own company. http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

DO NOT USE Hotels.com

A word to the wise: Don't use hotels.com. We learned this weekend that they do not refund you if you need to check out of a hotel a day early.

How do businesses get away with this shit? If I ever took money from a client and gave them nothing, I'd be sued. Life sure is profitable when you are a faceless corporation...

That's it! I need to get rid of my face!

Come to class!

If you live in the greater Sacramento area, consider coming to one of the two classes that author M. Christian and I are teaching this weekend!

One is Writing for Your Sex Life: Enhance Your Sexuality Through Creative Writing and the other is Sex Sells: Writing and Selling Erotica. Both are being offered on March 18 at the Learning Exchange in Sacramento. Separately, each class is $49, but if you sign up for both, you pay only a total of $89! You can register online -- you'll find both classes listed in the "Writing and Publishing section. Hope to see you there!

Now out: AMAZONS

M. Christian and I are pleased to announce that AMAZONS: SEXY TALES OF STRONG WOMEN is officially available. You can buy it, appropriately enough, on Amazon.com by clicking on the subject line of this post.

This is a delightful group of stories about women who, for one reason or another, you might not wanna mess with. They are strong, sexy, and sure of themselves. And all of them use sex in an artful way to stay that way. Anthologies can be great fun because you see how every writer has a different take on any given theme. The "Amazon" theme was no exception -- we got some great tales, running the gamut from poignant to outrageous. This one is definitely worth a read, folks!

The information on Amazon.com for this book, however, is completely wrong and there seems to be nothing Thunder's Mouth can do to fix it. (Welcome to the glorious, glamorous world of publishing, where no detail is too small to get right -- NOT!) None of the contributors listed there are actually in the book. You might wonder how a mistake like that can happen. Well, join the club. We wonder the same thing. Anyway, here's who's actually in the book:
Amanda Hopkins, Bryn Colvin, B.J. Franklin, Hannah Strom-Martin, C.B. Potts, Madeline de Chambrey, Felix Baron, Kathleen Bradean, Susan St. Aubin, Jason Rubis, Catherine Lundoff, A.F. Waddell, Tenille Brown, Chris Bridges, Mike Resnick and B.D. Faw, Jerry Rosen, Kristina Wright, Paula Fleming, and Connie Lawrence. Of course, Sage Vivant and M. Christian are in it, too!

M. Christian and I hope you'll check it out. It's great fun!

Weekly podcast released on new day

Apparently, the majority of the podcasting world releases its podcast on Mondays, which clogs up the ol' RSS lines, so I'm going to start releasing my podcast, "Four Minutes, Once a Week," on Wednesdays, starting today. I've got new sound equipment, too, so it sounds better than ever! Tune in! RSS feed is http://sage.libsyn.com/rss

Stop AOL -- they are out of control

Well, greedy, corporate AOL is at it again, looking for ways to "protect" you while they rake in big bucks. This time they want to tax emails (all of them) so that only the ones that pay the tax get delivered. Does that sound like an egalitarian plan to you? It sure doesn't to most of us. Click on the graphic below to tell lawmakers you won't stand for it.

I can't stop watching this....

Up until now I've been good about not sharing all the goofy stuff people send me from the Internet, but I confess to being completely fascinated by this short body-building video. Click on the subject line of this post to view it. Fabulous!

LEATHER, LACE AND LUST -- re-released by Berkley!

M. Christian and I are soooooo thrilled to announced that LEATHER, LACE AND LUST has been purchased by Berkley Books and is now out!

LEATHER, LACE AND LUST explores the connection between clothing and sex and really runs the gamut from fun to provocative to disturbing. This book first came out in 2003, published by the Venus Book Club, which meant that only Venus Book Club members could buy it. Not the best way for a book to get exposure, you know? Plus, we knew it was an excellent book and wished it could have gotten the attention it deserved (not all anthologies come together as an editor would like, but this one did). Just look at THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF BEST NEW EROTICA 4 and you'll find several stories from LEATHER, LACE AND LUST! Anyway, we were delighted when we learned that Berkley bought it several months ago, gave it a new cover, and will be putting it in bookstores across the country! We're excited for a number of reasons, but primarily because this was just a little, throwaway book for Venus yet it was full of really excellent stories. Here's the table of contents if you want proof:

Killing the Marabou Slippers by Molly Laster
When Calls Ed Wood by Tom Piccirilli
Underneath Your Clothes by Elizabeth Coldwell
Cruising with Vickie and Marge by M. J. Rennie
A Novel of Manners, Set Vaguely in the Heian Era by Jason Rubis
I Am . . . by Christine Morgan
Contented Clients by Kate Dominic
A Little Bit Like a Slut by Thomas S. Roche
Nacht Ruck by Karen Taylor
Dress Pinks by M. Christian
Debt of Honor by Tulsa Brown
Cashmeres Must Die by O. Z. Evangeline
Sheer Excitement by Debra Hyde
Pret-a-Porter by Stacy Reed
Red Nails in the Sunset by James Williams
A Reflection in the Mirror by D. D. Smith
Bethany's Game by Bryn Colvin
Urban Noir by Tara Alton
Twentieth Century by Lisabet Sarai
Skirting Pleasure by Sage Vivant

Spread the word and buy some copies as holiday gifts!

Cancer in the artist community

Just last week, I learned and announced that Craig Morey, a gifted photographer, was trying to raise funds to pay for his cancer treatments. Today, I found out that DD Smith (Debbie McGuffey), one of the writers whose work appears in LEATHER, LACE AND LUST wrote to say that she was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in January of 2005.

Her friend---Carolyn Jones (a.k.a. Methec), has put a huge abstract oil painting up for auction on eBay. Until the auction ends, it's hanging on the wall at Twisted Sisters down at Jacksonville Beach. (*Info for Twisted Sisters (Owner- Sonny): 1266 Beach Blvd. Jacksonville Beach, FL 904-241-6453).

The painting can be seen and bid on here. It's enormous and obviously, may not be suitable for any of your walls. You can still help Debbie, however, by making a contribution of either cash or money orders directly to her or by sending money to Carolyn Jones through her PayPal account bod-a-bing@mindspring.com

The painting is titled "Life is for Living," and Debbie says the photo doesn't do it justice. It's really awesome, colorful, bold and extremely large.! It would look great in an office, behind someone's sofa in a contemporary setting, possibly in a public building on display, a bank, a doctor's office.

Debbie and Carolyn are trying to figure out additional ways to publicize this auction and Debbie's plight. Carolyn is a former Playboy model, so they're hoping to use that to some advantage (read more here). If you can think of other creative ideas, please write directly to Debbie at ddmcguffeycomcast.net

To send her money, here's her address:
Debbie McGuffey
8045 Weather Vane Drive
Jacksonville, FL 32244

Please help photographer Craig Morey

I recently learned that photographer Craig Morey (whose work is available
through Custom Erotica Source) has been diagnosed with cancer and is
facing some serious medical bills for his treatment. (As many of you
probably already know, our lovely health care system basically ignores
people who don't have full-time jobs and live by making art. ) Some
friends of his have organized an art show where he will be selling his
work at reduced prices to help pay for these medical bills. Here is the
announcement I received today -- I hope that you will come to the show and
do what you can to help. Craig is not only a talented photographer but a
wonderfully sweet person.

If you cannot attend but would still like to make a print purchase, please
see this url for information: http://www.moreystudio.com/december18.html

***
Please join us on Sunday, December 18th from 12:00 to 6:00pm for a special
one day print sale to raise funds for Craig Morey's medical bills from his
recent cancer treatments*.

This is a unique opportunity to purchase Craig's elegant black and white
photos, in his studio, at unusually low prices. New digital prints and
vintage fiber prints will be on sale, as well as posters and books. Light
refreshments will be provided.

Thanks, and we'll look forward to seeing you there.

Jill Manton
Liz Ross
Ervin Grinberg
Hal Fischer

PS: If you cannot attend on the 18th, but would still like to make a print
purchase, please see this url for information:
http://www.moreystudio.com/december18.html



For more information, contact:
Jill Manton
Tel: 415-252-2585
email: jillmanton@yahoo.com

Studio Address: 4080 Halleck St, Emeryville 94608 (near Park and 40th)

Call for information on sale date: 510 654 2952

Directions to studio: (Studio is directly behind the Ikea store in
Emeryville). Take hwy 80 to Powell St, go East 1/4mi to Hollis, turn right
and go South 1/2mi to Park, turn right and go West to Hallleck, turn left
and park on street. The studio is about 30 yards behind the gate marked
4080 (left side of street)

* Earlier this year, Craig Morey was diagnosed with throat cancer and
began receiving both radiation and chemotherapy to combat this
life-threatening disease. Because of the severity of his treatments, Craig
was incapacitated for several months and is only now returning to his
photography work. As a self-employed artist, Craig has had little income,
and no disability or sick pay during this very difficult period.

Fortunately, the most recent evaluations by his doctors have been
favorable and Craig has a very good chance of recovery, and of keeping the
cancer in remission. Unfortunately, even with basic health insurance the
cost of treatment and Craig's medical bills are
astronomical.

The goal of this sale is to raise funds to help pay Craig's medical costs.
He will be offering both vintage fiber prints and new digital prints, with
prices ranging from 75.00 to 500.00. There will also be signed books and
posters available.

We hope you will join us on Sunday, December 18th to support Craig.

The Future of Erotica

Writer and interviewer William Dean hosted a roundtable discussion with me, M. Christian, Carol Queen, and Dr. Gloria Brame for the Erotica Readers and Writers Association (click on the link in the subject line). He asked some thought-provoking questions and the diversity of our answers is worth checking out.

And if that weren't enough, erotica novelist Lisabet Sarai, whose new book FIRE is quite a delicious morsel, reviewed THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS: BISEXUAL EROTICA and gave it an enthusiastic thumbs up, which is nice. ERWA is a great site -- spend some time there after you read the interview!

So what's the deal with Publisher's Weekly?

Critics.

Show me a writer, artist, musician, or film maker who can stand them and I'll show you a poseur! It's so hard to have even a modicum of respect for critics or reviewers who never have to *make* art but can feel free to criticize and berate the hell out of it. How is that even remotely fair -- either to the creator of the work or to the public?

I've always hated the fact that people can make a living trashing or otherwise "reviewing" the work of creative people (and feel self-righteous in the process). I wish there were some way to educate people about how uninformed, biased, and downright mean (not to mention frequently bribed) most reviewers are and how important it is not to take their word as gospel on any book, movie, or CD you see that interests you.

I confess to checking out what certain critics have to say -- mostly so I can do the opposite of what they say. Take Roger Ebert, for example. If he likes something, I absolutely know I'll think it stinks. So, yeah, sometimes I guess they can serve a useful purpose!

So, yeah, I'm riled because some moron representing Publisher's Weekly chose to single out a few stories in CONFESSIONS: ADMISSIONS OF SEXUAL GUILT that he or she didn't care for and then proceeded to characterize the whole book based on those few stories. (And what recourse do I, M. Christian, or any of the mute writers in that anthology have against this twit? Why, none at all.) The nature of anthologies is that they have a little something for everybody. Some folks call that "uneven" and I suppose I can accept that, but the bottom line is that a reviewer like that is not only content to affect the sales of a book but also to remain ignorant about how the anthology process works.

Unless an editor has an incredible ego and only chooses stories that turn him or her on, selecting stories is a challenging undertaking because you *want* a variety of voices, themes, perspectives, tones, etc. That's why one person can read an anthology and say they only liked some stories and another person can say the same thing -- but they didn't like the *same* stories!

Just because the Publisher's Weekly reviewer person didn't like the handful of stories he or she took the time to read, the whole book gets condemned. It's a pretty rare event when somebody will enjoy *every* story in an anthology, and maybe that's a curse of anthologies but I think it's also their strength. Something for everybody. Usually. Except if you work for Publisher's Weekly, apparently.

Have you ever noticed that no kids tell their parents "I wanna be a book reviewer/movie critic/music reviewer when I grow up"? Think about it. :)

M.J. Rose ROCKS!

You know, sometimes you get to know somebody in this nutty business who just exemplifies everything you admire. M.J. Rose is one of those people for me. We "met" back in 1998 when she trying to market her first novel, LIP SERVICE, on on the Internet after a publishing deal fell through. Custom Erotica Source was one of the many sites she contacted -- I was happy to feature her book because even then, I loved how ballsy she was about getting the word out. She was even a Celebrity Writer for CES for a while! Her tenacity and creativity paid off -- a few months later, Ballantine Books gave her a book deal and she's been publishing books (now with Mira Books) ever since. She's an incredibly generous person, believes in the power of books, and knows how to build community among writers. Oh, and did I mention she's a terrific writer, as well?

M. Christian and I asked her to write the foreword to our latest anthology, CONFESSIONS: ADMISSIONS OF SEXUAL GUILT because her latest novel, THE HALO EFFECT, seemed like a great tie-in to the theme of our book. She was very gracious about it and wrote us a great piece -- and even gave us an excerpt from her book to use in ours.

Today, she invited me and M. Christian to talk about the challenges of marketing erotic fiction. How cool is that? Her blog is widely read by readers and writers alike and reflects her own eclectic, curious mind. Whatever she learns, she passes along to others who could benefit from the information. I think that's just smashing and appreciate the heck out of her for doing it.

She's also asked me to write about what inspired CONFESSIONS. You'll find that at her site called "Backstory" starting tomorrow.

Thank you, M.J., for your great writing and your generous nature. You are a role model for the rest of us.