My guy has a new book!

The sexy and super-talented author, M. Christian, has just announced that his next novel, The Very Bloody Marys, is available for pre-orders as well as reviews. If you'd like to review his book, please write him at zobop at aol.com. Here's some info on his wonderful book (and I know it's wonderful -- I copyedited it and read every word!).

He’s the only vampire cop around—and a gang of Vespa-riding vampires threaten to drain San Francisco dry!

Big trouble at night in the city. A gang of Vespa-riding vampires are killing San Franciscans so indiscriminately they threaten to not only drain the city dry—but risk the discovery of vampires everywhere. Gay vampire cop Valentino is called upon to stop the group calling themselves The Very Bloody Marys before the situation gets worse. Unfortunately, it already has. You see, Valentino is still only a trainee who is in way over his head now that Pogue, his mentor, is missing. And this brutal gang is tough, smart, and very, very bloodthirsty. To do his job, Valentino must move quickly—and carefully—otherwise he may just get himself killed. What's a creature of the night to do? The only thing he can: track the gang through the haunts of some very odd characters, unravel the mystery, and try to stay out of the sun.

The Very Bloody Marys is a comic horror novel about vampires, ghouls, faeries, and the undead that move around after dark. Part chase, part gallows humor, part shivery excitement, this new story from the wildly imaginative M. Christian is funny, frightening, and very entertaining.

Humble Pie

Some people think authors make money and are respected. Such people watch too many movies.

I recently noticed that several copies of Your Erotic Personality were for sale by independent sellers at Amazon.com for rock-bottom, bargain-basement prices of $3 and $4. This mystified me. How could anyone afford to sell the book at such a price and make any money? (Oh, and let me be honest, as well. I was pissed as hell that some asshole was offering the book at a price that would clearly dissuade anyone from buying it new and at full price. Call me greedy, but I would like my $1.46 per copy and that windfall can only happen when people pay retail.)

So, being the inquiring mind that I am, I wrote to one of the sellers and asked how they were able to offer the book at such a low price. Because the book is so new, I couldn't imagine that the seller would be anything other than a bookstore. But no. The seller was a person who had received the book as a joke from friend who knew it would not be her "cup of tea." So she couldn't think of anything else to do with it but sell it immediately at a price that would guarantee she'd be rid of it quickly.

I hadn't thought to market Your Erotic Personality as a joke or gag gift, but what the hell -- if it'll sell more copies, maybe I oughta think about it.

I bought the book from her. It seemed the only sensible thing to do. But how sad is that?

Masturbation for the masses

May is National Masturbation Month! And if you want to observe it in the privacy of your own home, that's perfectly fine, but if you'd like to do something a little different -- and benefit some good causes in addition to your own satisfaction -- check out the following. It's taken from a press release from Carol Queen, organizer and creator of the event. I'm donating at least one free story and three copies of Your Erotic Personality to this event, so now you have one more incentive to participate!

The 2007 official Live Masturbate-a-Thon will be held on Saturday, May 26th at 415 Jessie Street in San Francisco and is sponsored by The Center for Sex and Culture.

CSC’s National Masturbation Month plans climax with the Live Masturbate-a-Thon in San Francisco. Founder and director Carol Queen, Ph.D. announced that the Center for Sex & Culture will hold its sixth annual fund-raising Masturbate-a-Thon on May 26, 2007, doors open at 4:00 pm for regular participants and at 2:00 pm for those attempting to set this year's time/orgasm records. CSC's Masturbate-a-Thon is a live group event at which participants will raise funds by getting others to sponsor them for each minute they masturbate or each orgasm they claim.

Founded by San Francisco's own Good Vibrations, National Masturbation Month seeks to raise awareness and dispel shame about this most common and natural of sexual activities. GV acted in the wake of then-Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders' firing in 1994 for stating that masturbation "is perhaps something that should be taught" about when discussing young people’s sexual options. Good Vibrations and its sister sex toy stores, as well as sex-positive nonprofits, have been celebrating National Masturbation Month across the US and Canada since 1995. More information about Good Vibrations' role in NMM will be available on GV's website in early May. The Masturbate-a-Thon became the centerpiece of National Masturbation Month when it was added to Good Vibrations' slate of activities a few years later. GV sponsors the Masturbate-a-Thon as a private event, as most masturbation is; the Center for Sex & Culture celebrates it as a live group activity.

The most recent Masturbate-a-Thon was held in August, 2006 in London, England. With 154 participants and produced for the benefit of Marie Stopes International, the UK’s premier sexual health nonprofit, that event was filmed for British television and set several new world records, including Most Orgasms for both women (49) and men (6). Last year's Center for Sex & Culture Masturbate-a-Thon raised close to $3000 from participants and their sponsors, who pledge a variable amount per minute to support their friends' efforts. One female and one male participant won trophies for Longest Time Spent Masturbating (the longest, a man, spent nearly eight and a half hours), and one person received the trophy for Most Orgasms (CSC director Carol Queen had predicted a woman was likely to win this particular award, and was proved correct). A reporter from Reuters was on hand, as were representatives from several Bay Area publications. The entire event was webcast by bondage.com and so was available for interested supporters outside the region.

This year the event will feature a news commentary desk, commercials by and for masturbators, a barn stage, an opera singer, a castle interior, a bar stage, live masturbation stages for men and women and appearances by local adult movie performers Tom Orr, Tassy Pink, Robert Black, Michael Starr and the Bay area's own well loved Nina Hartley.

Who participates in a live Masturbate-a-Thon? Not surprisingly, representatives from various sexual communities attend to come for a cause; the Center for Sex & Culture is arranging this year's co-sponsorships among gay men's clubs, erotica producers, and other sexual adventurers. Separate areas of the Masturbate-a-Thon site spaces will be set aside for both mixed- and single-gender groups. Only part of the room will be set aside for the webcast cameras, so less exhibitionistic attendees can participate somewhat more privately. Participants have also been drawn to past Masturbate-a-Thons to publicly acknowledge the importance of solo sexuality in their lives, so not everyone handing in a pledge sheet will be a committed erotic adventurer; many will never have done anything like this before

Word of the Masturbate-a-Thon has spread around the globe. Last year our best-treaveled competitor (and winner of the “Longest Distance Come to Come” award) arrived from Hong Kong. We expect participants to come from as far away as Australia this year; in past years press hits have come in from Spain, Ireland, Austria, Britain, Germany, China, South Africa, France, Brazil, Ireland, India, and elsewhere.
In fact, international press has paid more attention to the Masturbate-a-Thon than has US media, particularly during the London event in 2006, when CSC Director Carol Queen spent seven and a half hours talking to the press. Although international press coverage of the event in Europe and throughout the Americas is quite well covered, US coverage including local Bay Area news outlets has been quite sparse. The on line event has historically shown a viewer moment of about 40,000 people drawing approximately .015% of the internet on the day of production (Alexa 2007)

Pledge sheets and co-sponsorship links are available at the Masturbate-a-Thon's website. Participants can download a pledge sheet and begin collecting pledges right away; after the Masturbate-a-Thon they will let their pledgers know how much to remit. Pledges can be paid by check and sent to CSC; they can also be remitted via the event website. All monies raised will be used to support the Center for Sex & Culture's educational and sex-positive cultural programming. People who wish to participate but who can't find pledgers may pledge themselves at any amount plus pay a $20.00 entry fee. Online supporters who live too far away to attend can tune in to the webcast that evening (May 26); interested parties who prefer a private Masturbate-a-Thon can download the pledge sheet, stay home and participate, and remit by mail, or they can participate in Good Vibrations's private Masturbate-a-Thon.

Visitors to these sites and Masturbate-a-Thon participants should be 18 and over only.

The Center for Sex & Culture (CSC) received its nonprofit status in late 2002 and was declared "Best Emerging Sex Nonprofit" in the San Francisco Bay Guardian's Best of the Bay issue in June 2004. It is open by appointment and for events. The Center for Sex & Culture is a largely-volunteer organization that subsists on donations from the public, including donations of books, art, videos, archival materials, etc. CSC's mailing address (where donations can be sent) is 2215-R Market Street, #455, San Francisco, CA 94114. Website donations can be made online . Telephone: (415) 255-1155. Masturbate-a-Thon™ Open Enterprises Inc.; used by permission.

Would you like to write with me?

(Sorry to tell you about this so late, but I didn't know the contest had started until a few days ago! So, I apologize if the contest if over by the time you go check it out.)

Good Vibrations magazine is having a contest to see who can offer up the best ending to one of my unfinished stories. Give it a shot! If the editors at Good Vibrations think your submission is the best, you'll win a gift card and the dubious honor of saying that you and Sage Vivant wrote a story together. Clearly, the gift card will have considerably more value...!

Here's the story they'd like you to finish:

The Contest Winner
By Sage Vivant

She’d read many entries, every one of them a seemingly earnest plea for her unique brand of punishment. Each week she had to choose one contest winner—one recipient who seemed more deserving than the others to endure whatever torture she chose to exact on them. But this week, one letter piqued her interest.

Dear Mistress,
My transgression is an ongoing one and I hope that you can cure me of it. Whenever I am exposed to pussy, my tongue emerges from my mouth, wagging and hungry to touch it and taste it, altogether beyond my control. In my previous requests for discipline, I have been ordered to wear blindfolds but this doesn’t help, as I respond to the merest aroma of cunt, as well as the heat of it. I want to be rid of this affliction and hope that you can help me.

Signed,
Oral Fixation

He arrived at her bidding, on time and suitably contrite. Although in his mid-forties, he carried himself with the ease of a man in his twenties. When he stripped naked at her request, she noted the fine physique and exceptional cock. Even flaccid, it hung a good six inches, which made her plan that much simpler to implement.

Without explaining herself, she cuffed his wrists and elbows into the special rack that tilted from vertical to horizontal. Seconds after securing him to the rack, she decided that a diagonal pose with feet to ceiling and head to floor would suit his needs best.

He was docile and she liked that. He didn’t presume to even look at her, let alone speak to her. Serenity sat like a veil on his face. The angle she’d placed him in caused his cock to flop toward his belly with a reassuring fwap just before she tied the leash around his balls. Still, he lay there expressionless.

“Tell me to stop if this pain is more than you can bear,” she said in her signature snarl. She slipped out of her thong panties and now wore only her stockings, boots, elbow-length gloves, and corset (the one that made her tits look ready to spill out at any moment).

She planted one high-heeled boot alongside each of his ears and waited a moment as she dangled the leash across his chest. She positioned herself so she could watch his cock grow. Just a little something she did for herself.

She allowed him to look at her naked snatch for a full minute, secretly delighted by how quickly his meat swelled with appreciation. His cock, of course, wasn’t the problem he sought her help with, but she used it to gauge how his tongue might be behaving. When she looked down at his face, his lips were parted and the tip of his tongue struggled to stay behind his teeth.

She tugged at the leash and he winced. His lips slammed shut.

She launched into a partial knee bend to bring her steadily juicing cunt closer to his face.

Her scent was unmistakable, as was the anguished expression on his face. Yet once again, his mouth went into a natural O shape and the eager, pink tongue squirmed forward.

Another yank at his slightly blue balls, and his tongue retracted but his mouth did not close. She lowered herself a few inches more, now hovering so close that his struggle had to be excruciating.

“Do you want to eat my pussy?”

She promised herself that if he said nothing, she’d reward him but that if he spoke, she’d end the session and send him on his way.

She waited, still hovering over him with phenomenal control. High heels made the position a bit easier, truth be told.

He said nothing. She looked down between her squatting knees and saw the reason for his silence. His tongue was extended so far, it threatened to skim her pussy lips. In all her years as a dominatrix, she had never seen a tongue so long or so fervent in its desire to lap at cunt. Her juices trickled along the lips of her labia.

She tugged at the leash, lowered herself just enough to wipe her cunt against his tongue, then straightened into a standing position. The tip of his tongue was slightly rough, like a cat’s. The brief swipe of it against her clit nearly upset her balance.

“You have a lot of training ahead of you,” she announced, disappointed that his tongue was now back in his mouth. “You’re going to need a lot more than this leash,” she added, walking over to her tool box to select her next implement of discipline.

She might give this client more time, she thought to herself as she perused her inventory, rubbing her clit as she considered her options……….

Some nice reviews

Anytime a writer sends out a book for a review, she hopes that she isn't sealing her doom. I only know of four reviews that have been posted online for Your Erotic Personality , but I'm relieved to note that they're all positive.

I guess the real hammer will fall when Publisher's Weekly does its special brand of smackdown on it...!

So, if you're interested, here are links to the reviews so you can see what people have to say about it:

[The Joy of Sex], and so many others that came after it, focused on the specific acts of men and women having sex. What sets Sage Vivant’s book apart is that it focuses more on the psychology of sex and the eroticism of it: what type of erotic personality are you? What type of behavior appeals to you most? If you can pin that down (and most of us, as Sage points out, will be a combination of types ...), then you can practically jump start your way to more satisfying sexual experiences, and better target sexual partners who will share, enhance, or compliment your erotic interests.

-- Marilyn Jaye Lewis, internationally published erotica author
Read the full review here.

"I cannot recommend this book enough. Very few times do you get an opportunity to have an enjoyable read which will almost assuredly translate into tangible benefits for your own sense of self identity, as well as your confidence, which can then flow over into your meaningful relationships. This is a unique dose of sexual self-help which will open up new possibilities and understandings."

-- Kelly Arthur, The Erotic Woman
Read the full review here.

"In a market which is overcrowded with books on how to spice up your sex life, Your Erotic Personality offers something refreshingly different. Witty and informative, it will have you looking at what (and who) pushes your buttons on in a whole new light."

-- Elizabeth Coldwell, Forum UK magazine
Read the full review here.

"The information on each type is incredibly in-depth. This is made all the more fascinating because this isn't something Sage has read about and re-written, it's information she has gleaned from her customers at CES over the years she has been running it. This is first-hand information, from someone who knows!"

-- Lucy Felthouse
Read the full review here.

Many thanks to you, Marilyn, Kelly, Elizabeth, and Lucy!

Another great workshop

As Your Erotic Personality gets more exposure, I'm coming into contact with people who are doing some extraordinary work with people to help them understand themselves sexually. LiYana Silver of Re-Defining Monogamy is one of them. Her workshops go beyond the standard "talk about your feelings with your partner" formula and tap into new and mostly unexplored areas of relationships -- including the relationship one has with oneself! I love LiYana's fresh approach and her dedication to helping people understand that a relationship doesn't thrive in rigid boundaries that don't fully respect the needs of the participants.

Here's what's coming up soon:

Crafting Extraordinary Relationships
Part 1: Relationship with Yourself

Friday-Sunday, May 4-6, 2007
Clear Point Center, CT

Get out of the City for an powerful 3-day workshop with LiYana Silver
and rejuvenating retreat in the springtime Connecticut mountains.

Join LiYana if you want:

- To stop being stopped by self-doubt, stagnation, and confusion
- A profoundly loving relationship with yourself
- Ownership of your happiness and self-confidence
- To become vibrantly connected to your passion and purpose
- Relationships that are a vehicle for your growth and joy

- Clear HOW-TO's and TOOLS

- And you know it all begins with YOU...


For a full description of the workshop:
http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/crafting-2.html

If you are ready to register, contact Steve Munn:

Steve@YourClearPoint.com
860.684.3994


Through interactive lecture, physical and writing exercises and individual
coaching, we will dive into:

- Why you are always attracted to the wrong person
- How to befriend and cultivate intimacy
- The five simple steps to shift any unhealthy pattern
- What turns you on and lights you up

- Getting in the driver's seat of your life
- How to adore yourself in your own skin
- An introduction to exceptional communication skills
- How to take it all back into real life, including dating!
- And more...


For a full description of the workshop:
http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/crafting-2.html


* * * * *
Early Bird Special: Register before April 15th

$550, or $450 if you register with a friend, partner or family member

Includes workshop, lovingly-prepared meals and accommodation

Limited to 16 - so register soon!

* * * * *

To register, or ask questions, contact Steve Munn:

Steve@YourClearPoint.com
860.684.3994

Sexy words, sexy music

It's finally happened. I now have an audio CD -- and it has music!

British composer David Courtney contacted me almost two years ago with an idea for an erotic story with a musical score. We worked out story details, he composed music, and at long last, we have the final product! The CD is called Sex With a Stranger and it's now available for sale at CD Baby.

CD Baby lets you listen to samples before you buy, so check it out before you plunk down any money. But frankly, I think you're going to like it.

My beef with pole-dancing

A couple of months ago, I posted a cryptic and derogatory comment about pole-dancing. Naturally, I offended at least one pole dancer, who promptly left a polite but cryptic comment. This week, one of my podcast listeners sent me a few links to stories about the rising popularity of pole-dancing parties in the suburbs, including this one to a story in the New York Times.

I made a few disparaging remarks, which surprised him, but then proceeded to think about just why this whole pole-dancing thing rubs me the wrong way. (That pun just happened, by the way. I didn't plan it.)

I should begin by saying that I once knew a woman who was a dancer in Las Vegas, pre-pole-dancing era. She denigrated the pole dancers whenever the subject arose because she saw them as talentless. "They wrap themselves around a pole. Big deal. I've been dancing my feet off and wearing elaborate costumes for years. How can they call themselves dancers?" That was my first introduction to the pole-dancing phenomenon. My friend had led me to believe -- and I had no reason to doubt her -- that pole-dancers were simply an inferior version of exotic dancer.

What do I know from exotic dancing, really? I grew up in suburbia, was an honor student, and went to KC and the Sunshine Band concerts in high school. When an exotic dancer tells a non-exotic dancer that pole-dancers are the bottom of the barrel in the exotic dancing business, the non-exotic dancer tends to accept that information as truth.

So, my next exposure to pole-dancers was via The Sopranos. Here we have a seedy strip club with women who look like they'd just as soon scrub a toilet as let you watch them pretend a large pole is, in fact, your cock. They look bored and unhappy, and what the fuck, they work at a place called Badda-Bing! for cryin' out loud. Not a resume-enhancer, you know what I mean?

Now, I am aware that it is often unwise to base an opinion on what one sees on television or the movies. If we all did that, we'd think that all crime labs had the latest technology (a la CSI) and that everybody in America only eats barbeque between the months of June and August (according to the Food Network). Nevertheless, what else did I really have to go on?

When my friend sent me those links this week and was surprised by my reaction, I had to devote some time to thinking about why I felt as I did and figure out whether I was really being fair to the much-maligned pole-dancing crowd, whether they love their poles as a livelihood or a lark.

I read the New York Times article and had several reactions. It's always been my belief that anything that makes a person feel sexy is a great and worthy pastime. I also believe that an experiential one is better than a virtual or imaginary one, meaning that pole-dancing in your living room is going to make you feel sexier than doing it in Second Life or having me write a story about you doing it. I don't have children to sap my energy and I don't have a boring or sexless domestic life, but I know I'm lucky in that regard -- plenty of women do need activities or interests that will reignite their sexual selves. Who am I to find fault with whatever does this for them?

Pole-dancers who dance for money have made a conscious choice to do so, and whatever motivates them is obviously no different than whatever motivates any stripper or exotic dancer. That they choose a pole as their primary prop is of no never-mind to me. If they're happy and having fun, great. The world should be full of people who are happy and having fun.

My beef is not with professional pole-dancers -- it's with the women who do it in their living rooms, at parties, and such. I find it sad that a woman's sexual self could be so buried that she must emulate the movements, wear the clothing, and employ the props (namely, the pole) of women that society tells her are sexy.

For me, this pole-dancing-at-home phenomenon is yet another symptom of applying a topical treatment to a systemic ailment. Yes, women will feel temporarily exhilarated by pretending they are pole-dancers. Ten years ago, women were reading about how to strip for their men. Three years ago, they were learning to "make love like a porn star."

Yes, these are harmless pastimes and they may help loosen some inhibitions. But they may also frustrate women who approach them expecting to feel sexiness descend upon them. Lots of women will discover that sexing up a pole feels silly to them, that stripping for their husbands or boyfriends only makes their men look at them quizzically, or that making love like a porn star means that they are acting rather than feeling passionate. They will feel inadequate because aren't these things supposed to make them feel sexy? There must be something wrong with them, they'll think, if these activities are failing to meet that goal.

Realistically, what can we expect bored, confused, desperate, naive, young, or sexually shut-down women to do to feel sexy? They can't ship their kids off to boarding school or make their husbands work fewer hours. They can't afford to hire maids and cooks to relieve them of housework. (And in the case of young women, they aren't old enough to look within for their inner source of sexuality and sensuality. We have to excuse them, I guess. They are led to believe that if they look and move like a Pussycat Doll,, they will be sexy, not understanding that they will be perceived as sexy, which is different than the confidence that comes from knowing who you are sexually.)

Pole-dancing seems innocuous to most people. To me, it's just another way that our culture has distracted us from introspection and self-examination so that it can lure us with quick fixes and immediate gratification. After all, the former are free but the latter can be had at any price the market will bear. I feel sad that so many women think they have to pay somebody to access what is available to them 24/7 at no cost whatsoever.

Okay. Now go ahead and attack me. I'm ready.

Weird Al made me do it

Once a day, I used to check my MySpace account to see if there were new "friend requests." There usually were, although half the time it was some porn come-on or a sales scam. Tonight, though, I signed on and saw an ad for a Weird Al Yankovic video. Being a long-time fan of Weird Al, I clicked on the link.

It took me to his page but his video wasn't working.

And that was the straw that broke this particular camel's back. MySpace is a colossal waste of time and I think I was there for all the wrong reasons. Ninety percent of my "friends" were writers I never even heard of who thought I gave a shit about their books and their careers (I don't). Most of their pages had music players on them, so although I might be playing my iTunes, I was assaulted by their stupid music if I went to their page. Lunatics with pointless diatribes would post bulletins every other day. And several times a week, the ubiquitous "Tom" would explain why some functionality wasn't, well, functioning. Oh, and did I mention the plethora of flashing and blinking ads? Words cannot describe the sublime pleasure that is MySpace. I'd rather be kicked in the ass with a frozen boot than check my MySpace page.

And, by remaining a member of MySpace, wasn't I being just as disingeuous and hypocritical as the people I criticized?

So, when I had a chance to see Weird Al and MySpace couldn't even get that right, I finally said, "Fuck this." I closed my account.

I feel like I've just lost a bunch of weight. Or been told that men will still find me attractive if I let my leg hair grow. Or that chocolate is not only healthy to eat
but good to apply topically.

Good riddance, MySpace. You are such a piece of crap. And thank you, Weird Al, for making me see reason.

How an artist works

I feel the same way about art as I do about food -- I enjoy consuming it but find it best for all concerned if I don't attempt to create it.

So, I was intrigued to find artist Jackie Adshead's site, which not only displays her beautiful artwork but shows how a piece is created. Click on the "Online Demonstration" link to see the step-by-step process.

For a paint-by-numbers gal like me, I was quite mesmerized.

And here's something even more incredible. It's a real-time sketch of a woman that begins with her skeleton and ends with her being fully clothed. In the process, she is naked. Very cool.

Outlaugh-The Nellie Olesons-Ann Coulter Spoof-NSFW!

Here's a little spoof of the most sexless human on the planet. Doesn't it make you hot?

What's in the water of Lake Wobegon?

If you ever thought Garrison Keillor was an amusing, unassuming fellow with a liberal mindset (just because he's on public radio), you might want to read this blog post from Dan Savage.

Boy. You think you know a person....

I'm suddenly proud of the fact that I've always found Keillor to be boring in the extreme.

Addendum: Thanks to an anonymous comment to this post, I was alerted to the possibility that Keillor meant his remarks as satire. I did some research and found this ... apology? correction? clarification? ... by Keillor himself. It seems inadequate and yet, it does seem to suggest that Keillor understands his attempt at satire failed and that he has some 'splainin' to do...

Erotica writing in the SF Bay Area

I recently hired a few writers to help out at Custom Erotica Source. Some have written professionally, some haven't, but each and every one of them is creative in some awesome way. Jen Cross, for instance, teaches writing workshops here in the greater San Francisco area and I think hers are especially unique because they link writing to "wholeness." Her Web site is Writing Ourselves Whole and her mission is:

To offer safe, confidential writing groups -- that allow for transformation, risk, laughter, and artistic manifestation -- to a broad cross-section of the community, focusing particularly on those who've felt marginalized and silenced (survivors of sexual trauma and domestic violence, members of the LGBTQQI communities, and those who are poor, underemployed, or homeless).

What a beautiful concept. And she places a strong emphasis on erotica, which is utterly brilliant, not to mention inspired. Few things are more essential to the core of the soul than sexuality. And sadly, so many souls are damaged there... Check her site for a class schedule.

The best movie EVER

There are days when I think this Interweb thing is really going to catch on. Today is one of them.

After much planning and collaboration, Flash animator Andy Pinder and I have finally finished and uploaded our interactive movie about your erotic personality. (That's right. Yours.) It stars the lady you see pictured here.

I'd love to know what you think of it!

Don't stick THAT in there

I've been reading a lot about the evils of plastics in the past few months. There's a great site called Delicious Organics that goes into informative detail about which kinds of plastic will end up in your bloodstream and which won't. From this site, for instance, I learned that reusing a plastic water bottle is just about the worst thing you can do. And here I thought I was helping the environment by doing so. Little did I know I might be killing myself in the process.

So, anyway, turns out that not everything you need to know about plastics is at that site. Good Vibrations recently decided it's going to phase out all sex toys made with Phthalates. (Just trying to pronounce that word probably has a detrimental effect on one's health...) Science is still working to determine just how bad Phthalates might be for us, so Good Vibrations (and Smitten Kitten) is going to gradually phase out its inventory of toys made from this plastic. By October of this year, they won't be selling anything containing it.

Better safe than sorry, especially since they had been recommending that condoms be used on the toys. Am I the only one who finds that notion worthy of a giggle? Not only are condoms designed for people but what irony that we would be using one man-made substance to stifle the dangers of another.

I am a big fan of sex toys but when you hear stuff like this, it just makes you want to go natural and opt for fingers and cocks exclusively, you know?

Quirky, erudite, and just plain fun

M. Christian -- my partner in all things -- recently started a blog with his brother Sam, and it's quickly turning into something rather remarkable.

It's called Meine Kleine Fabrik, which means "my little factory" in German. As many of you know, I find most blogs (even my own on occassion!) are not terribly compelling, amusing, or enlightening, and like reality shows, they seem mostly to be a way for people to have the say or voice that they cannot have in their everyday lives. (Yes, yes, I know the Internet is the great equalizer and that everybody deserves to have a voice, but let's face it, there are some people with opinions and thoughts that stir you and others who just winge on. Most are wingers, methinks.)

I was surprised when Chris wanted to start a blog because he has always been more anti-blog than I. But once he and his brother began posting things, I started to realize that they were using the concept of a blog in a whole new way.

You see, Chris and Sam are tremendously curious people. Intellectually insatiable, I think you could safely say. They take great pleasure in discovering small, perhaps even relatively unknown creations/inventions/facts/phenomena and delving in to learn more. (I am witness to their weekly get-togethers, where they tackle the problems of the world, play video games, eat crazy food from Japantown, and put their heads together on graphic novels they want to write. There is so much energy in the room, I often have to leave!)

Meine Kleine Fabrik is their avenue for reminiscing, celebrating, and exploring all the intruiging stuff they've ever encountered and/or enjoyed in their lives. The depth and breadth of their collective knowledge never ceases to amaze me, and now that the Internet truly does seem to contain virtually everything that ever existed, Chris and Sam are using the blog to post, marvel at, and catalog all the wild stuff they've ever had occasion to be influenced, taught, or entertained by.

But what I find the most touching of all is that they are using the blog as another way to bond with each other. They are titillated by one another's posts and although I sense a healthy level of competition between them regarding who can post the coolest stuff, each genuinely applauds what the other one puts up. The blog functions not only as an information sharing tool, but an emotional one, as well.

I'm so touched by what they've done for each other through this blog. Not to mention excited by what they're doing for anybody who reads it.

I encourage you to check it out. You won't find gratuitous puffery, pedantic prose, or anything even remotely mundane. And I guarantee you will learn something.

Mika sings "Grace Kelly"

I cannot stop listening to this song. I am quite thoroughly addicted -- so much so that I have to share it with you. (Mika is a U.K. artist but I'm hoping he swims over to this side of the pond soon.) Find him on MySpace at: http://www.myspace.com/mikamyspace

Glamour Magazine wants your lies

For Glamour magazine, writer Natasha Chilingerian is looking for anecdotes from women, age 20-40, that describe how you got out of a lie you told. The lie doesn't need to be 'outrageous.'
The lie should have occurred in adulthood (no stories from high school
or younger).

She'd love to hear how you handled a lie that you told:

- at work
- to a guy
- to a friend
- to your parents (as an adult)

Also, she'd love stories about lies told while doing online
dating (you lied about age/height/jobs/hobbies, etc.)

The anecdote should include:
An explanation of how you got out of a big lie you told someone. Give
all the details on why you told the lie, and how you handled the
fallout.

Glamour will only run first name and age if selected, but please also
include your phone number and email address for fact checking. Email
natashachilingerian@gmail.com if you have anecdotes!
She needs these by Tuesday morning, Feb. 20. Thanks so much.

They like it!

It's hard to write a book. And not necessarily for the reasons you think.

Popular wisdom holds that fiction writers struggle with periods when the muse does not visit or the creative well is dry. This is certainly a real and pervasive problem for some fiction writers. But it's just the beginning of the hell that awaits them after they are published.

Add to that struggle the disturbing eventuality of getting published and then having the unwashed masses take potshots at what took you weeks, months, or even years to create, polish, edit, and refine. If they don't understand your finely honed nuances or your incredibly clever plot twists, you and your book are villified and maybe you will have trouble earning money by being creative in the future.

Non-fiction, however, poses a somewhat different but equally irritating set of problems. It is far less dependent on visitations from the unpredictable muse but it does rely heavily on the writer's knowledge of the book's subject matter. Even if you thought you knew exactly what you'd write about and felt confident in your depth and breadth of knowledge to take the topic on, at some point during the writing, you will experience panic attacks of varying degrees because you will question whether you really know enough to write an entire book.

I faced such a question when I wrote YOUR EROTIC PERSONALITY. Suddenly, I was questioning everything I thought I knew, anticipating the "she doesn't know what she's talking about" criticisms that probably every writer gets (regardless of whether she actually does know anything about her subject matter!

So, when The Erotic Woman's review of my book came out this week, I breathed a sigh of relief. They gave it a glowing review, for which I am eternally grateful.

One down, approximately 50 more reviewers to go... Do they make a version of Valium especially for writers, I wonder? If so, I may consider acquiring a few thousand doses.

The Last Seduction

A young and virtually inexhaustible aspiring writer friend of mine, Lucy Felthouse, recently told me about the book she's writing: The Last Seduction. But she's writing it via blog entries and is letting the book take twists and turns based on reader feedback (and her own whim, of course!). The results are quite compelling.

Lucy is an engaging person and good writer -- check out her ongoing novel and give her some comments. She's taken custom erotica writing in a whole new direction!

(This image is by one of my CES illustrators, Gradiva. It screamed "seduction" to me....)

I want one!

As a dutiful San Franciscan, I am rarely without my iPod. It's true that I love the device itself, but I also feel happy when my music is with me. So, imagine my delight when my mischeivous beau brought the OhMiBod music-powered vibrator to my attention!

It syncs with your iPod to deliver a new level of musical satisfaction. And it is appropriately priced at -- what else -- $69.

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, I can't imagine why this little beauty wouldn't be on your list.

I can't help but think about how I might be able to make the most of this device on my daily commute...

What's a little pole among friends?

Did you ever long to be one of those zombie-faced women in a seedy bar who makes her living by pretending that a pole is one big penis?

You did?

Well, aside from the fact that I'm a little sorry for you, I'd like to tell you about a contest that might make your day. It's a pole party -- and it can happen right in your home! Yes! Now you too can aspire to objectify yourself for money! It's a good thing you stopped by today, huh?

Chasers War On Everything - Americans

I don't think any commentary can properly introduce the massive stupidity you're about to witness with this video. Having watched the film Idiocracy last night, I find this video only confirms my fear that morons are multiplying in alarming numbers in this country... I mean, we elected one, for crying out loud.

What do you think? Are most Americans really this dumb and uninformed? Or is it just the ones who live in Texas (where this video was apparently filmed)? (My apologies to intelligent people who happen to live in that state. I know you're out there. Please tell me you're out there.)

I want to be proud to be an American, but man, it's getting harder all the time...

LOVE those stereotypes

About two weeks ago, Village Voice columnist Rachel Kramer Bussel was given her walking papers. This was a rather stunning move on the part of the Village Voice because Rachel's column wass not only well-read and much enjoyed by many, but the publishing industry even acknowledged its importance by granting her several books deals in the past few years. Frankly, only her column and Violet Blue's are funny, informative, and worth your time. They are very different columns but they both provide(d) a connection to what's happening in the world of sex-related events and philosophies.

I thought it was strange that Rachel's was terminated, but I was curious about what might replace it.

Holy crap -- you should see what replaced it.

Here's a blog post from fellow writer Jolie du Pre that sums it up well, I think. (And if you want to read the whole column, god help you, go here.)

I am a woman in my forties and this new column is just outright stupid. I don't relate to it at all. True, I don't have children, but the Village Voice is supposed to stand for cutting edge perspectives -- since when does that include suburban mothers with nonexistent sex lives? And if such mothers have the time or inclination to read anything at all, will they choose to read about their waning and/or shriveling sex lives?

Now, it should also be noted that I'm not known in the industry as being somebody who's out there consuming all manner of sexual information and "freak show" news stories. For the most part, I let all that stuff flow right past me because it seems like a lot of ephemera to me. But I don't ignore all of it, because frankly, the very publication of any of those stories is further evidence that the world is becoming more accepting of sex in all its iterations -- and that's a good thing. So my primary objection to this new Village Voice column is simply this: I fail to see how it advances the idea of open-minded sex philosophies and sex acts. To hear the whining and complaints of women who aren't getting any sex may feel just great to the women doing the whining, but the rest of us -- those who have healthy sex lives, with or without children -- are not enhanced, educated, or otherwise enlightened by anything this new column would spew out.

In other words, do we need another column of hackneyed, unoriginal thoughts penned by stereotypes that nobody finds interesting anyway?

I feel sure Rachel is going to turn up in a new and better place. Meanwhile, the flushing sound you hear is the Village Voice going down the toilet.

Book reviewers wanted!

I have uncorrected proofs of my upcoming book, YOUR EROTIC PERSONALITY for anyone who might be willing to review it or otherwise talk about it on a Web site or blog. The book will be released in April. If you're interested in receiving a copy for a review, please write me at sagevivant@yahoo.com and tell me who the review is for and where to send your copy. Many thanks!

But they don't miss him there, either, I'll bet

Saw this bumper sticker today and loved it so much, I had to share it with you.

You, Coming and Going

Attention Orgasm Fans! Now there's a site that allows you to see the faces of others in their petite morts and even to upload your own.

Beautiful Agony is a rather brilliantly conceived site that offers a voyeuristic as well as an exhibitionistic opportunity for those interested in either. Capitalizing on both is also a clever way to make money, but then again, that's what the sex on the Internet is all about, I guess!

Upload your own video or watch those recorded by others. You'll see a wide range of facial expressions, sounds, and sexual attitudes -- it is indeed a novel concept. What I especially like about this site, though, is that the focus is on the face. No nudity allowed. It makes the watching more personal, somehow, not to have the distraction of bodies. It also makes the experience more intense because you have nowhere to look but the person's face.

And no, you won't be seeing my face up there, despite my exhibitionist tendencies! Special thanks to Leo for alerting me to this very unique site.

Glamour Magazine wants your fantasies

Glamour magazine is looking for submissions of sex
fantasies from women age 20-40. They want a desciption
of a fantasy, plus an explanation of why you think you
have the fantasy.

For the article, an expert will "decode" the fantasy.
If your selection is chosen, Glamour will run the
fantasy along with your first name and age. They
particularly need fantasies that fit the following
scenarios:

* about being watched
* involving characters on TV
* about someone they hate/is unattractive
* about her and another woman
* about a stranger
* about dressing up/Sex toys/role playing
* about her focusing completely on, and pleasing him

Keep your submission to two paragraphs, tops. Deadline
is December 29.

Send your fantasy, your phone number, and your
email address (for fact checking only) to Natasha at
natashachilingerian@gmail.com.

Buzzin' at MySpace

Jebus, I hate MySpace.

Yes, I do have a damn MySpace account , mostly because a year or so ago, writers everywhere got the word that they just had to have one to help promote their book(s). And so now we're all over there, yelling and screaming and jumping up and down like spoiled children, with not a genuine desire for true friends among us -- all everybody seems to want is eyeballs on their books. It's the nature of our world today that we must grasp at every available outlet to get any attention whatsoever for our creative efforts. But that doesn't make it any less sad.

But I'm not here to rant. Quite the contrary today! Every few days, I check my MySpace account to see if anybody wants to be my "friend." They are always requests from one of the following:

- writers who want to promote their books or writing in general
- musicians who see I've put Keane in my list and think I'll like their band, too
- sellers of sex-related items
- general lunatics who like to pontificate and desperately need an audience for their daily diatribes

I approve almost everyone. Maybe I feel like someday I can use them like they're using me. Bad karma all around, eh?

Anyway, today I got a "friend" request from the manufacturer of a product that I think is pretty damn cool. It's called iBuzz Two. It plugs into an iPod -- so it immediately has my attention! -- and is a music-activated sex toy. Music and sex. In the same toy. Wow. And its for couples as well as singles.

Now this is a momentous occasion because it marks the first time anybody has contacted me via MySpace with anything I give a shit about. And look what's happened -- I'm now spreading the word about this item.

So maybe there's something to this MySpace business, after all. I guess the trick is to hawk something interesting instead of "you should read my book because my friends say it's fantastic and why would they lie?" or "Look at me! I won an award given by an unknown group for a really lame reason!"

Reading -- Not So Fundamental After All

Hey, so remember that auction I was touting? The one that would benefit the charity Reading is Fundamental? The one that had lots of sexy but inoffensive goodies in one gift basket?

Maybe you can guess what happened.

If you guessed that we made a bijillion dollars and subsequently allowed every child to get the reading help he or she needed, you would, alas, be incorrect. If you guessed that Reading is Fundamental felt a strange tingling in their genitals at the mere thought of sexually related merchandise associated with their name, you'd be on the right track. So objectionable did they find our auction -- where the bidding had gotten up to more than $140 -- that they asked eBay to cancel it.

I ran on at length about this on my podcast, Four Minutes, Once a Week, so I'm a bit out of steam, but because I'm committed to recording all these sorts of rejections from the morally upright, uptight segments of society, I'm putting the details here for posterity.

With just three days left to go of its 10-day run, the auction was abruptly terminated by eBay because Reading is Fundamental didn't want its name associated with it. That's their right, of course, but this rejection is particularly galling because I have hosted auctions before and given the proceeds to Reading is Fundamental. Why was this one different? Did the 10-day run just give them more time to actually look at the auction details? Or was the addition of other vendors a sore point for them on this one? (My previous auctions have just been for Quickies from Custom Erotica Source. This one offered a Quickie, artisan chocolate, The Sex LIves of Wives by Holly Hollenbeck, a kit of sensual goodies from Babeland, and erotic stories on CD from Sounds Erotic.)

What kind of world do we live in where a charity can be so independent, so caught up in its image, that it can pick and choose where its donations come from?

You can bet I'll not be sending any more money in Reading is Fundamental's direction. They didn't even have the courtesy to reply to my message when I questioned them about ending the auction. Not only is my money dirty, they don't feel I'm worthy of a courteous response.

If any of you know of organizations who do what Reading is Fundamental does to further the cause of teaching kids to read, please let me know, because that's where I'll funnel auction proceeds in the future.

Glad to be excluded

The annual Bad Sex in Fiction Awards are in full swing, so check them out if you want to feel better about your own writing.

They seem to pick mostly from mainstream or literary fiction for these, so I'm safe from their scathing gaze. But watch out -- when more than a handful of people actually read my books, who knows? I could end up on this list!

Sex + Politics = Damn Funny Stuff

This video is pretty damn inspired. See if you don't chuckle.

Why did we think he was wooden??

This is such a delightful interview with Al Gore. Enjoy!

Sexy Gift Basket for Charity

If you're looking for a memorable gift for your lover this holiday season, look no further than the terrific auction going on at eBay right now through December 8. And the proceeds benefit Reading is Fundamental!

This very special gift basket contains:

* ARTISAN CHOCOLATE from San Francisco chocolatier Cacao Anasa
* A QUICKIE from Custom Erotica Source
* THE SEX LIVES OF WIVES by Holly Hollenbeck
* BODY KIT of sensual oils, candles, and toys from Babeland
* EROTIC AUDIO from Sounds Erotic

The full retail value of all these goodies totals more than $181 -- but bidding at eBay starts at only $30. The winner will get this gift basket shipped to them before December 25.

How cool when something benefits your love life and a good charitable cause...

Important Petition

There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the "drive-through mastectomy" where women are forced to go home just a few hours after surgery, against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.

Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on.

PLEASE!! Sign the petition. You need not give more than your name and zip code number.

This takes about 2 seconds. PLEASE PASS THIS ON to your friends and family, and on behalf of all women, THANKS.

Call (or IM) me

I recently discovered BlogTalkRadio, a way to turn the ramblings of a blog into a potentially entertaining talk show. It's an interactive blog that uses a phone and the Internet as the means of communication. Anyway, it seems pretty cutting edge and so I'm going to give it a whirl.

On November 28 at 8:30 pm (Pacific Time), you can call or IM me and be part of the show! All the details are here.

If you don't call, you realize I'm going have to fill up 30 minutes of air time. Am I nervous? Noooooooo.....

STUPID IGNORANT UNENLIGHTED MORONIC BACKWARD HYPOCRITICAL PAROCHIAL DENSE

Well, I had yet another run-in with an overly cautious, morally righteous, and obviously sexually repressed business owner. (Remember: I'm using this blog to track these incidents. Really, I think over time they're going to prove very amusing. At the time they happen, however, they just set my blood to boiling.)

Let me begin by saying that I'm constantly on the look-out for ways to promote CES. Most of you already know that. What I don't want to do is promote it exclusively on adult sites. Why? Because I firmly believe there's a big fat contingent of people who want sexual services or products but don't want to visit "adult" sites. Maybe they're afraid or easily offended but whatever the reason, they really crave "safe" places to shop and get information and just generally enjoy themselves. I strive to make Custom Erotica Source a place for those people. That doesn't mean "vanilla" or sanitized -- it just means a place that doesn't make you feel dirty just by putting your fingers to your own keyboard.

And that's why I'm always outraged when some well-meaning but pointy-headed idiot lumps my site in with the dreck that I'm trying to distinguish myself from.

Take the case of the blowhard who runs Yearbook.com. I'll set the scene for you. I heard about this company/organization (or rip-off outfit, depending on your unique perspective) through an informative site called Publicity Hound. It's a repository of "experts" who pay a fee to be listed in this guy's "yearbook" and media people consult this yearbook to find experts on certain topics. Well, obviously, this is a fantastically easy way for this dude to rake in the bucks -- the minimum listing costs $995 and the most expensive is $2495. Do we really know if media people turn to Yearbook.com to find experts? No, not really, but when you're a fledgling business desperate to find ways to make the media get in touch with you, you want to believe that schemes like this work. And really, they might. Owner Mitchell Davis has gotten himself some publicity in the Wall Street Journal so maybe a rogue reporter is turning to Yearbook.com every once in a while. I honestly don't know.

(Davis does not inspire confidence. He foolishly posted a video of himself explaining how expensive video presentations aren't necessary to promote things on your Web site. This video might have accomplished its purpose if it hadn't been grainy, hard to hear, and painfully amateurish. It had the effect of making one feel desperately sorry for him.)

So, as part of my ongoing and exhausting methods of figuring out how to market my upcoming book, YOUR EROTIC PERSONALITY, I considered the relative merits of listing myself in this dubiously effective Yearbook. There was some kind of $200 discount at the time, so I took the plunge on the least expensive listing. I filled out my profile and all the tedious muck that's required. I received a password to access my account.

And within a few hours, the password ceased to work. I wrote to inquire what might have happened. I got no response. I wrote again two days later. Still no response. I wrote a third time and still nothing. But there was no charge to my credit card so I wasn't too upset. I began to suspect that the so-called "adult" nature of my business might be the issue, but until this jerk decided to take the time to answer my messages, I wouldn't know for sure.

One week after signing up, I wrote him once again, this time directly through the links on his Web site. Finally, the creep deigns to reply. He says only "Your credit card was not charged."

Articulate little bugger, eh?

So, I write back, telling him I appreciate that, but why was it that my membership was rejected?

He is not a man of eloquence. He simply repeats that no charge will appear on my credit card.

Who among us needs to be jerked around like this? I then wrote to Joan Stewart, the woman who runs Publicity Hound (and who I'm sure makes a little commission on anybody her site sends to his). I mentioned the incident to her and she said, "Oh, yes. Mitchell told me that someone tried to sign up but it was an adult site so he rejected it. I'm sorry to hear that it was you."

Yes, well, that makes two of us, Joan. I told her it would have been nice if he'd had the courtesy to tell me that. She agreed.

Armed with this new information, I wrote to Mitchell Davis once again, repeating what Joan had told me. Know what he says in response? "I'm glad we've worked that out, then."

Worked what out, you moron??? You've told me nothing, have wasted so much of my time I wish I could wring your overfed neck, and still have not had the courtesy to explain anything to me about the basis of your decision.

I swear, if I conducted my business this way, I'd have no clients. How does he get away with this?

Now it was my turn to be terse. I wrote back with: "No thanks to you!"

He replied and encouraged me to phone him. Oh joy. More time I don't really have. Nevertheless, I call the guy, admittedly as much out of curiosity as irritation.

He prefaces our talk by explaining that sometimes, he's found that it's easiest not to provide specifics to someone via email.

I find this a baffling approach, so I ask why he feels that way. I still don't understand his answer and don't think I could even recap it for you. It was truly nonsensical.

So I decided not to press him on the point because I felt it would inevitably go as swimmingly as our email exchanges. Instead, I asked what he found objectionable about my site.

I expected a whole range of responses, but what I didn't expect was: "You link to Pilgrim Telephone. Do you know what Pilgrim Telephone is?"

Now, ladies and germs, I know quite well what Pilgrim Telephone is, especially since I work for them on occasion as a writer. They provide all manner of phone services (sex, astrology, etc.) and they are (I believe) the largest provider of such in the nation. Everyone I've ever worked with at Pilgrim has been a pleasure. They recently asked me and CES to be a guinea pig for them as they try to market an upscale phone sex line to women. I agreed to help and am currently hosting a tasteful ad for them on my index page. I've posted it here so you can see it.

So, I tell Davis briefly that I'm well aware of Pilgrim and its services. I wonder silently whether he thinks I'm so lame and/or stupid that I'd promote a business I knew nothing about. I then ask, "So, if that ad wasn't there, would you be able to do business with me?"

"Well, now, I don't like to conjecture," he replies. (I am using the word "conjecture" but he used one with fewer syllables. What he meant was "conjecture.") "Who can say whether your site would qualify otherwise? I just saw that ad and stopped right there."

"So you don't know what my site sells or anything about my business?"

"No, see you gotta understand that if I start doing business with porn sites, I'm not going to be able to do business."

YEAH, ASSHOLE. TELL ME ABOUT IT. The adult stigma is really a bitch, ain't it?

"Do you know how many lawsuits Pilgrim Telephone has against it? If somebody files suit, you could be implicated by carrying an ad for them on your site," he says. (I have since spoken with Pilgrim about these alleged law suits, and they have no idea what this putz is talking about.) "Do you know what the ad leads people to?"

This guy must think I'm a colossal bimbo. He clearly does not believe that I have much to do with the business end of things at all. "Yes," I tell him. "The ad leads to a page that describes Pilgrim's phone sex line for women."

"So, it's promoting phone sex and you're okay with that?"

Good lord. Is this 1979? Are we in Kansas, Dorothy?

"I think a woman has a right to decide if she wants to make such a phone call, yes. Plenty of women do," I say.

He then launches into an unfocused diatribe about how there's porn on YouTube now, how LexisNexis won't deal with him if he's got any adult links, and am I familiar with AVN (Adult Video Network) and do I go to their shows? I have no clue where this guy is going or why. He has lost me, but most important, he has proven that his brain is a consistently malfunctioning organ.

And for someone who finds adult sites so objectionable, he certainly seems to know a lot about them!

We worked nothing out. Nothing. He still runs his business like a chimpanzee with a laptop, hasn't a clue about customer service, and is probably making money hand over fist. But you know what? At least he doesn't have a dime of my money.

Do you think he treats everyone like he treated me? It's impossible to say, of course, but it's idiots like him that prevent me and every other well-run, respectable, sex-related business from being seen or taken seriously. And the ultimate irony is, of course, that he doing everything wrong that he possibly could but he gets Wall Street Journal coverage. We live in one fucked-up world, kids.

A little governmental humor

More can be said through humor than any other form of communication. At least, I think it can, and after all, this is my blog. Anyway, a friend sent this to me today and I laughed so much, I thought I'd share it with all of you. It has been attributed to John Cleese, but according to Snopes, Mr. Cleese had no hand at all in it. Nevertheless, it is funny as all hell. Enjoy!

From John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".

3.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels, (look up vocabulary).

4.Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "ize".

6.You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

7.July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

8.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

9.Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone, or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

10.Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

11.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

12.All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

13.At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

14.The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

15.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

16.The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

17.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

18.You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

19.Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

20.You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An Internal Revenue Agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Cheers,
John

Everybody needs a cheap quickie

This month's CES charity auction is in full swing. Bid on a Quickie (500 word story) and get it for considerably less than the $45 retail price -- and help out a good cause at the same time. The cause this month is A Soldier's Wish List. Bid soon! The auction ends on October 17.

Have sex for the good of your country

Mark Morford, one of my personal heroes, provides the most compelling reason of all to hop into the sack and get crackin'.

What is your erotic personality?

Have you ever wondered why you need one set of stimuli to get turned on while your partner needs something entirely different? Or why you react to certain sexual situations in ways that intrigue, excite, or confuse you? Now you can find out what makes you tick.

In a few months, you'll be able to take the quiz in my book YOUR EROTIC PERSONALITY and get the answers to these questions. You'll learn which erotic type you can claim as your own and how to make the most of it.

But until then ... you can get a glimpse at the types and see which one resonates with you! The downloadable PDF, WHAT IS YOUR EROTIC PERSONALITY?, is available now from Amazon.com.

Check it out and let me know if you found it informative -- your opinions matter because I'm currently at work on a sequel to the book!

Cool book I forgot to mention

It occurs to me that I never did tell you about a great little book I'm in called American Casanova. This book is worth mentioning, not only because it's a great read, but because it's a collaborative novel "directed" by Maxim Jakubowski. Seventeen different writers (including M. Christian, Lucy Taylor, O'Neil De Noux, Molly Weatherfield, and Thomas Roche, to name a few) contributed a chapter to this book, which constitutes quite a dose of imagination!

The book's concept is wonderful: the legendary Casanova wakes up one morning to discover he's not only alive, but now living in 21st century Venice! He spots a beautiful woman at a party he's not even sure how he got to, and proceeds to go wherever necessary to find her again. He ends up in America, where loads of adventures -- mostly sexual, of course -- await him.

It's a clever book and a cut above average erotica fare. I'm very proud to be in it.

The contest with no prize

If someone offered you a date with Ron Jeremy, would you stare and blink and blubber, stupefied by your incredible luck? Or would you mutter a polite "thank you" and walk away? Enter this contest. It's the only way to know how you'll react when you win.

Ooops, I did it again

A few days ago, I was going to sit down and invite you to rejoice with me because iTunes accepted my new RSS feed of Four Minutes, Once a Week! Really, my joy was boundless. No sooner had I started to tell friends and associates about my incredible good fortune, however, when iTunes withdrew its gracious permission and kicked me out of iTunes. Again.

Those of you who have been listening to my podcast for the past year (hard to believe it's that long already!) know that iTunes never accepted me the first time I submitted my feed. They said my content was offensive. Please keep in mind that they blithely carry the podcasts of so-called "sex educators" and people who perform all manner of sex acts to the audible enjoyment of their listeners, but erotic fiction somehow offends their delicate sensibilities.

So let me get this straight, iTunes. It's okay to teach someone what to stick in what hole and how they should touch themselves if orgasm is their goal, but supplying them with stories that will inspire them to do those things without a qualified instructor present is dirty, nasty business.

Whatever. I have truly given up on these sons of bitches. My podcast will never get the exposure that non-fiction podcasts do and the rationale for iTunes' arbitrary rule will eternally elude me.

It's possible for a person to subscribe to my podcast through iTunes, but iTunes will not give me a pretty little page with my photo and a list of previous installments of the podcast. HERE'S HOW TO SUBSCRIBE IN iTUNES:

1. Click on "Advanced" at the very top of your iTunes page. One of the options that will drop down will be "Subscribe." Click on that.

2. It will then present you with a box asking for a URL. To get the audio-only version of Four Minutes, Once a Week, type in http://sage.libsyn.com/rss . To get the enhanced version -- with images that can be seen on iTunes and iPods -- type in http://sage2.libsyn.com/rss .

(Word on the street is that iTunes is doing a serious clean-up of its podcasts. Many long-running podcasts are getting the boot, and there's lots of grumbling about censorship yet until somebody brings a class-action suit against Apple, I don't suppose our voices will ever get heard. I realize that Apple doesn't have to devote a page to any of us, but my feelings are that if they're going to devote pages to some sexy podcasters, they need to devote them to all of us. But that's just my crazy egalitarian mindset kicking in again. And to think how many hundreds of dollars I've spent in the iTunes store....!)

A sex toy to make you squeal

I know they're not supposed to make us giggle, but sometimes, you see a sex toy that just delights you so much, you want to own it as much for the smiles as for the orgasms. Such as the case with the Lil Piggy Buttplug. I mean, really, this is just adorable!

Why I hate banks

At the end of 1997, I left the world of banking, where I'd spent more than 10 years learning about consumer credit and then enforcing federal banking laws. I learned that the average banker is a drone with delusions of power and the average bank teller has the I.Q. of pocket lint.

This article from the San Francisco Chronicle is a shining example of how truly stupid and unthinking banks and bankers are.

Bottom line: banks assume everyone except their wealthiest customers are criminals. If you don't believe me, read this article.

At least in the erotica world, we just assume everyone is a sex fiend, which has a lot more potential for fun.

Parlez-vous Biz Speak?

Little known fact: I have a day job! And increasingly, at work I find myself surrounded by people speaking a foreign tongue -- everything from "monetizing the content space" to "shifting the paradigm" (although I understand any mention of "paradigm" brands one as a throwback to the Gordon Gekko's era).

Anyway, when I saw this Biz Speak generator, I exclaimed "Eureka!" Maybe now I can run with the big dogs....

Update: one of my favorite podcast listeners, who shall remain anonymous for his own protection, saw this post and turned me on to Bullshit Bingo, which I think has great potential, too!

Please take my survey

In April 2007, my first nonfiction book, YOUR EROTIC PERSONALITY, is due to be released by Berkley Books. Yes, it's exciting! But that's not the reason for my post.

I am interested in creating a club in conjunction with the book but want it to offer real value to the people who read the book. That's where you come in. I would love to hear what you'd expect to get from such a club.

Please take the survey.

It should only take about five minutes of your time (seven if you're especially thoughtful in your responses!). Your thoughts will be highly valuable to me.

The survey closes on September 8. I appreciate your input very much.

Another Stephen Colbert gem

For me, there's no better way to digest the day's news than with Jon Stewart's The Daily Show at 11:00 pm, followed by The Colbert Report at 11:30 on Comedy Central. These guys are voices of sanity amid a world of what often feels like fools, crooks, and spin doctors.

Today, I discovered this funny link to Stephen Colbert's clever little game, You're on Notice! Enjoy -- and put the bastards on notice!

Sex -- Then and Now

This morning, I received a link from a friend who knew I'd find it amusing. It's a film from 1965 produced by the Citizens for Decent Literature and it's called "Perversion for Profit." What a hoot! The film warns of the dangers of obscenity, linking it to everything from communism to homosexuality to the fall of Rome. It's among those films that's been parodied so much, you can almost guess the next words out of the presenter's mouth before he says them. (The introductory credit says the man's name is George Putnam, "outstanding news reporter," which is pretty hilarious in and of itself.)

So, I had a good chuckle over it (as I hope you will) and thought to myself, "How far we've come in 40 years."

And then, this evening, an individual by the name of "Real Diehl" wrote me (and several others, I soon learned) to share his original song, which he calls "Circle Jerk for Humanity." Well, folks, this is yet another hoot (although frankly, I was more entertained by the 1965 film).

I may not want to run out and buy this guy's song, but you know, it's pretty cool that he can not only create it but get people to hear it without fear of getting arrested. What would ol' George Putnam have said about Real Diehl, I wonder?

The song made me think yet again that we'd come a long way in 40 years, but I wasn't sure it was necessarily progress...

Which leads me to a final discovery today, mostly thanks to my wonderful man, Chris, who is a huge fan of writer Alan Moore. The Onion did a serious interview with Moore and I was completely floored by this guy's vision and outlook about sex. Read the interview and tell me you don't want to crawl into his brain and learn how it works. I highly recommend the interview, and plan to read his work ASAP. (Luckily, Chris has everything Moore has ever written!)

Alan Moore gives me hope that yes, indeed, maybe we have come a long way in 40 years.

Upcoming Public Appearance

Anybody in the San Francisco bay area on August 12 is invited to attend a monthly event called Writers With Drinks, where I'll be reading and talking about being a custom erotica writer. This event is hosted by local writers Charlie Anders and Annalee Newitz, and combines erotica with literature, stand-up comedy with science fiction and poetry with essays.

Here's the lineup:
Daisy Zamora (The Violent Foam)
Noria Jablonski (Human Oddities)
Sage Vivant (Custom Erotica Source)
Julia Jackson (Sistahs, RooftopComedy)
Cynthia Heimel (Sex Tips For Girls)
Ellen Klages (Time Gypsy)

Writers With Drinks happens at The Make-Out Room, 3225 22nd. St., San Francisco CA, from 7:30 PM to 9:30 PM. Doors open at 7 PM. Admission is $3 - $5 (sliding scale). Hope to see you there!