Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Rubber Man

For those of you who listen to my podcast or troll the Web for weird stories, the following item will not be news to you. But you might enjoy it anyway.

Back in June, Reverend Gary Aldridge of Alabama was found dead in his home. He had been the senior pastor at Thorington Road Baptist Church for the previous 15 years. At the time, the circumstances were kept pretty quiet and rumors circulated that he had been murdered because he was found bound.

But no signs of forced entry into the house were found. And then came the autopsy report, which you can see here at The Smoking Gun. He officially died of "accidental mechanical asphyxia." The man had a rubber fetish of grand proportions: he was found in a a wet suit, diving mask, another diving suit with suspenders, rubberized underwear, and diving gloves and slippers His hands were bound and tied to his feet.

And there was a condom-covered dildo up his butt. (Hey, at least it was safe sex, right?)

And there's nothing wrong with any of this -- unless you're a pastor who worked with the likes of Jerry Falwell and you preach that sex other than that which leads to procreation is sinful. Then, well, you look like a damn fool -- and an overdressed one, at that.

I have several questions for the dearly departed and am so disappointed that I'll never be able to get any answers. I'd ask the right reverend:

1. Did he really tie himself up? (I'm quite impressed by the complexity of his knot arrangement and am curious to know if anybody helped him or if he spent years getting this right by himself. Although if getting it right means dying, I guess it's not so right after all. Practice makes perfect, which really ought to be in the Bible, if it isn't already.)

2. Where did he get that dildo? Sex toys are illegal to buy or sell in the state of Alabama. I doubt that he picked his up at the Good Book Parable Christian Store, although they do have some charming "home accents."

3. Did he ever use either of the suits for actual diving? I get so turned on by an auto-erotica master who also knows his way around the bottom of the ocean.

4. What became of the dildo? Did the authorities give it to the family (perhaps it was an heirloom!) or did it get buried with him so that he could truly come to Jesus?

As my beloved boyfriend so aptly put it, "There has to be a formula. Something like pomposity + hypocrisy + perversion = embarrassing death."

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